Die Flügel von Sasha (Sasha's Wings)
by FinalBraus
Summary: After sacrificing herself to keep Historia safe on a mission, Sasha finds herself trapped by Bertholdt and Reiner. Can she escape? And if she does, will she ever be the same? [Rated M for lemons and very mature situations; major potential triggers noted before chapters; Sasha x Bertholdt, Reiner, Jean, Eren, and Levi] [COMPLETE]
1. A Sacrifice that Must be Made

"It won't fucking work," Levi said plainly.

"No! No...just...just listen," Hanji said, her glasses flashing as she unrolled a map of the mountain regions just inside of Wall Maria. Gathered around the table, the members of the new Squad Levi rubbed their eyes. Hanji had showed up in the middle of the night, alone except for a very disgruntled Moblit, carrying two armfuls of papers and maps. Sasha sat at the end of the table, fighting to keep her eyes open. Across from her, Connie was snoring softly and Jean was staring blankly at the wall behind her. Only Hanji, Levi, and Armin seemed to be truly awake. Even Mikasa had dark circles under her eyes.

"I know it's probably a stretch," she said excitedly, pointing to a tiny dot on the map, "But don't you think it's at least a little interesting that all three of the titan shifters reported that they were from the same place in their Training Corps applications? I took a look at the records, and it looks like they're all from this one tiny village out here...doesn't that seem strange?" Hanji looked around the table, eyeing all of them expectantly. No one seemed to get it. She sighed loudly. "What I mean to say is, it seems like if they had been lying about where they were from, they would have at least had the common sense to say that they were from different villages, or make themselves harder to track by saying that they were from one of the city districts."

Armin looked up. "So you think that's the 'hometown' Reiner talked about? It can't be. The way they talked about it, it seemed like it was outside the walls."

Hanji shrugged happily, satisfied that someone was finally responding. "You're probably right, but there might be something else there, something important. We can't know without going to look. I doubt it would be so easy to find, but there's obviously some connection to them in that village. Who knows what we might learn?"

"Who gives a fuck what we might learn if half my squad ends up dead," Levi growled. "Your plan is shit."

"No no no." Hanji waved her hands over the map like she was performing a spell. "I've got it. I figured it out. Look, so we know one thing for sure here. At least Ymir is going to come after Chri….Historia. She made that pretty clear."

All eyes turned toward the little yellow-haired girl. Sasha still couldn't attach the name Historia to her. She was Christa. Then again, she still couldn't believe that three of her comrades had secretly been titan shifters…four, counting Ymir. Sasha propped her head up with her hands. She could learn the plan later.

"Listen, guys," Hanji was saying as Sasha dozed off. "Ymir's titan's eyes are different form a humans, remember? You all saw them, all black, yeah? So I was thinking, see, and my hypothesis is that with those eyes, she can't see as well as one of us. Other animals with eyes like that tend to be colorblind or have what we would consider blurry vision, and with the speed that she moves, it's probably not a bad guess to say Ymir might not be able to pick out faces in her titan form."

"What are you saying?" Historia asked quietly

Hanji grinned, her glasses glowing devilish white. "Here's the plan."

.

Sasha's fingers shook as tugged her hood down over her forehead, blocking the sky from her line of sight. All she could see was her nervous horse's twitching neck and the cobblestone road below them. At her sides, Eren and Levi's mounts pawed the ground, snorting. She could see the corporal turning around in his saddle and shouting orders at the supply wagons, Eren staring down at his hands. He must have sensed her eyes and raised his gaze, looking at her now. Sasha swallowed.

"You nervous?" he mouthed.

She was silent for a moment, then nodded. Eren reached over and put his hand on her knee, the only place he could reach from his saddle. His fingers were hot through the tough fabric of her trousers, and Sasha wondered what it must be like to be able to turn into a titan. He must not be as afraid as she was. "You're going to be fine. This is the safest part of the formation."

"This is also the part that Ymir will look first if she comes."

Eren shook his head, smiling, though he was faking it and she knew it. "Come on, Sash. You were in the top ten! You know how to kick any titan's ass—have a little more confidence."

She felt like she was going to cry. She had grown to accept missions where she was likely to die. Likely was not a death sentence, but a warning. Likely meant that she had to be careful, but that if she fought tooth and nail she could get out. Likely was a challenge. But this…

"Sure," she said.

Of course it would be her. Mikasa and Armin were the only others who could have pulled it off, and they were both too valuable to the squad. It could have been Connie, but he would have given everything away too quickly with his big mouth.

She reached up and brushed strands of blonde hair out of her eyes as Levi gave the signal to move out.

.

There was an eerie silence outside of Wall Rose.

The squad moved quickly, their horses panting and pounding the earth with their hooves. 3D-maneuver gear clinked and banged against soldiers' thighs and the capes of their uniforms flapped like sails in the wind, but still, a bizarre quietness hung over the party like a ghost. The titans hadn't appeared yet, though everyone knew they would. She felt her body on edge, more sensitive to everything around her. The sound of the layers of her clothes scratching against each other, the rough rubbing of the fabric on her skin, the itch of the wig against her scalp…they made the muscles in her back tighten. She held the reigns with one hand, the other on one of her swords. Hanji had told her not to draw them until it was absolutely necessary—Historia almost always waited until the last moment to join the fighting, and it could give her away. _But how else am I supposed to protect myself?_

Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Levi riding, his eyes sharp and cold, his powerful body rising and falling with the motion of his horse. Even in the heat of summer in the southern districts, he was still wearing his cravat. As she watched, he reached up and loosened it, revealing the sleek muscle of his neck and the smooth line of his collarbone. For a moment, she forgot about her nerves. He may have been short, but his body was…

The corporal's eyes flicked to her and he shouted over the din of the horses, "What's wrong, Braus? Your face is red. You gonna be sick?"

She snapped her head forward, shaking her head violently as if she could shake off the vivid blush in her cheeks. He was her superior. There was no way. Plus, he was a head short than her.

Instead, she looked back over to Eren. There was no way there, either, not with the way Mikasa acted, but he was her age, and he was a much…better distraction than Levi. Even with his hood on, she could see his vicious, bright eyes, "criminal's eyes", Armin had called them. And they were. He looked like he could kill someone in a second, but there was something else there too. She had only seen it once, when they were alone together, cleaning their barracks so that Levi wouldn't skin them alive. A playful light that made his green eyes light up like the sky, and she wanted to see it more. She wanted to see him to look at her that way.

Sasha had to admit, she was a little jealous of Mikasa and Armin. They knew him in a way she never could.

Her gaze swept over his body, thinner than the adult soldiers but still rippling with muscle. _Yes…a good distraction._ She felt the tension in her back ease as she looked at the places where his shirt stretched over his chest and shoulders, wishing that she could feel instead of see. She watched the way his hips thrust with the motion of his horse, back and forth, so hypnotic. Maybe her horse would die, she joked with herself, and she would have to share his.

An idiotic idea came into her head, but her addled mind made it seem like a good idea."Hey, Eren," Sasha muttered, only just loud enough for him to hear. He looked up, his face still showing how nervous he was. She fixed her eyes on him darkly, keeping her face blank. "We should make like the colossal titan and get steamy."

For a second, he just stared at her, and Sasha knew that she had made the wrong call. Then slowly his mouth cracked into a smile and he fought back the urge to laugh. "Hey, Sasha," He said, fighting to keep a straight face, "Do you want to see my other titan?"

She ducked her head to keep the corporal from seeing her snicker. "Hey, Eren, you've got the key, so how about I let you into my basement?"

Eren tried to cover up his snort with a cough as Hanji looked over at them suspiciously. "Hey, Sasha," he shot back, "Are you a potato? 'Cause I want to eat you, if you know what I mean."

"Dammit, why can't everyone get over that!"

He laughed again, and she smiled despite the potato joke. There was definitely no way she could ever be with Eren, but it was still fun. Maybe, she thought, everything would be alright after all. Maybe they wouldn't even see a titan. The village was pretty remote anyway, right?

After a moment Sasha noticed that Jean was watching her over his shoulder, his horse galloping a few meters ahead of hers. She straightened and raised her eyebrows, silently asking him what he needed, but he just looked back at the horizon.

Pulling her horse forward, she came to ride alongside him. "What's up? You alright?" Sasha asked.

"Yeah," Jean said, pulling his hood farther down. "You?"

"I mean…" She caught herself staring into space as she thought about her role in this mission. She shook her head and smiled as much as she could. "I'm doing what I signed up for, I guess."

He nodded. "Yeah."

.

"_I can't! There's no way."_

"_I'm sorry," Hanji was saying, "But if the plan is going to work it has to be you. No one else's body looks enough like Historia's to pull this off."_

_Sasha gripped the wood of her chair, now alone at the table. She felt tears spilling out of her eyes but refused to acknowledge them by raising her hand to wipe them away. _

"_So the point is…that I die and Historia gets away," she stated plainly._

_Levi stood up. "We're going to do everything we can to make sure you don't die. We're going to have the best squads there to make sure both of you stay safe. This is just an extra precaution."_

_Sasha started, "Why not Armin? He's smaller…" but couldn't finish. "Nevermind," she said. "I understand."_

"_You're not going to die, Braus," Levi murmured as Hanji left. The intimate quietness of his voice sent warm sparks fizzing in her chest, but she was too scared for it to comfort her. "I'm going to protect you, me personally." He put his hands on her shoulders as she held hers clutched tight in her lap. "You don't have to be afraid."_

_Sasha felt a tear explode on her palm. "Levi…" she said, using his first name for the first time in her life._

"_What?" he asked quietly._

"_Do you really believe that my life is worth less than hers?"_

_Suddenly a dark shadow fell over his face and he pulled his hands back from her. "You have your orders," he said coldly, bringing his hand up to his face as he turned his back to her. "Get some sleep."_

.

"Sasha? You're scared aren't you?"

She pulled herself out of her memory and looked up at Jean, finding his amber eyes fixed on her. "I said I wasn't," She said quietly, but he flicked the reins of his horse and pulled it closer to hers Reaching across the space between them, he wiped a tear off of her face, matching the rocking of her horse to keep from hurting her.

"It's okay to be afraid," Jean said, "I would be terrified."

Sasha quickly smeared the teardrops off of her face before anyone else could see. "I was afraid when I left my village," She murmured, looking around at the other soldiers, wondering how many of them knew what her mission was. Had Hanji told them? "I was afraid when joined the survey corps," she continued, "I was afraid when I realized that Bertholdt was the colossal titan, and when Ymir said that she had to save Christa from something inside the walls. Now? I don't care anymore. I'm tired, Jean," She said, looking up at him, at his face, and she realized for the first time that he really was a beautiful person. He watched her with eyes filled with surprise, as if he couldn't believe she was giving up so easily. It made her chest tighten. "I'm tired. All I ever want to do is get enough sleep, but I kept getting woken up so that someone can tell me that one friend is secretly evil and another is dead."

Jean stared at her, his hood blowing back over his broad shoulders and showing her his whole face. He was so handsome. It felt like a waste. She had only realized after it didn't even matter. Ahead of them, a forest rose up on the horizon. "What are you saying, Sasha?"

"I'm saying that I'm exhausted, living this kind of life," she said, "I got picked for this mission because I'm the least valuable, because someone higher up decided that I stood to do the most good for humanity by dying in someone else's place. And so what? I'm _tired,_ Jean. Maybe I want to go to sleep for a while."

"How could you say that!" he shouted, and several of the soldier's heads jerked towards them. He grit his teeth and lowered his voice, "Don't ever say something like that, Sasha. You're not worthless." He reached over and took her hand, squeezing it so hard that she could feel her bones grinding against each other. Ahead of them, a line of trees was fast approaching, the scraggly beginnings of a forest. "You're important. You're so important. You're stronger than any of the rest of us here for being as brave as you are right now. You can't just give up on yourself like that!"

She held his hand for a second, and then shook him off. "You can't do that. Not now." She muttered, looking around at all the soldiers around them. She sighed. "Maybe giving up makes it easier."

"Shut the hell up Sasha," Jean hissed through his teeth. "Don't say things like that. You don't have to make anything easier because you're not going to die." He touched her hand again, only for a second, then let her go. "When we get home, Sasha…I want… I mean…"

Sasha raised her eyebrows at him in surprise and Jean blushed slightly, looking down at his hands. "What are you talking about, Jean?"

He pulled his hood back over his face and swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down his neck. "I think we should be together," he said bluntly, turning away from her so that she barely caught the last word.

Levi fired a round to the west and the soldiers all turned into the forest, horses leaping over the roots of trees and landing with great crashes of twigs and dry leaves. Her horse went left around a tree while his went right and she lost the rest of the group in the sea of branches, finding herself alone for a moment in the woods. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw something shift in the trees. Something big. A cold emptiness settled in her stomach.

"Only a little farther!" she heard Hanji shout jubilantly, and Sasha followed her voice back to the rest of the soldiers. "How unlucky! Not a single titan…" the squad leader pouted, but eventually shrugged and smiled again. "Maybe on the way back I'll find an aberrant," she said almost to herself.

"How close are we, Hanji?" Sasha asked, her horse galloping between Levi and Hanji now. She could see Eren to her left and Jean in front of her again, back in formation.

"It's around here," Hanji said. "I don't know exactly where, but we should be coming upon it…"  
Almost as she said it, a small, ruined hunting lodge came into view, its roof smashed in. Sasha felt her hands begin to shake and she unconsciously tightened her legs around her horse. On the doorstep of the cottage, a shattered set of bow and arrows was caked with blackened dry blood.

_It looks like my house,_ Sasha thought suddenly, remembering her own village in the woods.

All at once, the forest fell away to terraced fields, long since overtaken by weeds, farms cut into the side of a mountain. A thin gravel path lead out of the forest and into the skeleton of a town, roofs caved in and walls smashed to rubble. Her breath caught in her throat, and the whole party slowed, looking in awe at the destruction.

"I don't know what I was expecting…" she heard Eren mutter.

She turned to look around, adjusting the blonde wig. Everything was destroyed. There was simply nothing there.

"Split up and look for anything suspicious!" Hanji ordered. "I'll fire a smoke round when it's time to head out. You know what to do if you see a titan." With that, she flicked her reins and her horse galloped off into the village. After a moment, the rest of the squads slowly scattered.

Sasha looked back at Levi. Only his team remained in the empty town center. "What are we doing now?" She asked.

Levi looked up at the remains of the buildings. They were nearly leveled, leaving nowhere for 3D maneuver gear to work properly. Too far from the forest, they may as well have been standing in a prairie. "We're going to stay here and hope Hanji has to piss soon so that we can leave."

A moment passed in silence. The horses stamped their hooves anxiously on the ground. "They hear something," Sasha said, watching the animals flicking ears. She felt a fluttering in her gut. "Levi," she hissed urgently, "We shouldn't be exposed like this!"

"I know," he answered, "But we can't go back the forest without the other squads—we have to wait until we get what we came here for."

"_Levi,"_ she begged. "We have to _leave_."

Mikasa, positioned in the rear of the squad to defend their backs, sat up straighter on her horse. She suddenly turned around and looked into the trees. "We need to listen to her," the black-haired girl said. "Sasha isn't wrong about these things."

Now the other members of the squad were getting nervous. In the front corner, Historia was wringing the ends of her jacket in her hands. She said nothing, but her entire body was shivering. She was wearing a brown wig, but she was still so small. It wasn't hard to tell the difference.

In the forest, a tree groaned and crashed to the ground.

"HANJI!" Levi shouted, but it was too late. Already the it had bolted out of the woods, nothing more than a blur of flesh at the edge of the town. There was only one titan that could move that fast.

Soldiers from other squads rushed out of buildings and alleys, looking for somewhere to launch their 3D maneuver gear, but there was no time to think. The titan brushed aside the people in its way like ants, smashing their bodies to bloody pieces against the rubble. Its black eyes flashed.

"Go, Christa!" Someone shouted, using the small girl's old name as a code for Sasha. She was supposed to run. No, she realized, turning her horse and digging her heels into the sides of its belly, she was supposed to give chase. She was not supposed to get away. Levi had said that she was, but she knew now that there was truly no hope of escape. The dancing titan was so fast that running was pointless. Only after she believed that she had Historia would the rest of them be spared.

She pushed her horse faster anyway, feeling the prickling instinct of being chased running up her spine. The real Historia was a green speck in her vision, running off to the side. The titan took no notice of her, and for a second, Sasha resented her more than anything. She should be the one to die.

_Why is my life worth so much less than yours?_

Jean's horse was galloping beside her, its rider wild-eyed, watching her. On her other side, Eren and Levi stared at her as well. She looked at their faces, trying to memorize then, feeling a heavy sadness when she realized that it was a waste of time. She had wasted so much time. She knew so little about them, and they knew so little about her. The memory of her that they would keep alive would only be a fraction of the person she was. The thought made her heart clench and she doubled over the neck of her horse, stifling a scream.

"Christa!" Jean shouted, "Look at me! Keep riding!"

She shook her head. She could hear the titan's movements behind her, the impact of its feet on the ground. Her horse ran completely out of its own fear. She had dropped the reins. She couldn't remember when.

"Christa!" Eren shouted. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He had the chance to save her if he changed right now. He was thinking about it. She could tell. He was staring at his hand. Levi grabbed his wrist, shaking his head gravely.

She realized only then that Eren was crying

"Hey, don't do that," she said, reaching for him across the distance between their horses. The titan grew closer. Eren's hand wrapped around hers and she squeezed it. "You're stronger than me, Eren, and you're not even the one going away here. You shouldn't be crying."

He choked and hid his face. "You stupid fucking potato girl," he said.

She let go of his hand and he and Levi turned away, leaving her alone with Jean. That had not been the plan—Levi was supposed to stay with her and protect her from Ymir.

"I guess the plan changed," Sasha whispered.

Jean looked up at her and she could see that there were tears in his eyes too. "Damn," he said, wiping them away.

"'Be seeing you, I guess," She said, trying to smile, not sure whether she wanted him to leave her and live or stay with her and die. She closed her eyes and inhaled slowly. "You need to go now. I'm sorry, Jean."

As he opened his mouth to speak, a monstrous hand suddenly closed around her waist and the horses sent up a shrill whinny. Sasha screamed, terror crashing down on her in waves. On the ground Jean yelled, but at least, she noticed, he still did not say her name. A small relief. At least she wouldn't die in vain.

As she was carried away her arm flew out to him, a sudden, instinctual movement.

_Then she was inside the titan_


	2. The Conditions of Survival

****Author's Note: This chapter contains the following potential triggers: being tied up and being kept in captivity (both non-con)****

"_Damn it Ymir, who the fuck does that look like to you?"_

"_DON'T FUCKING _TALK_ TO ME!"_

"_WHY THE FUCK NOT, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO FUCKED THE WHOLE THING UP!"_

Sasha groaned and rolled over, something thick and dry cracking on her face as she opened hereyes. She tried to scrape it away with her fingernails, only to find that her hands were tied behind her, _"Shit," _she whispered automatically.

Suddenly, Sasha realized that she was still alive, and sat bolt upright. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness around her, she noticed that she was in a bedroom, sitting on the floor with her hands bound to a bedpost. She inhaled a deep breath, appreciating the feeling of air in her lungs like never before. _I'm still alive._

After a moment she tried her luck with the ropes, but they were strong and tied tight. She should have known—though she had no idea where she was, she knew who she was with, and she knew how well they had been trained. She had been there. Slumping back against the cool wood, she listened for their voices again.

A door slammed, and heavy footsteps approached the room. She squinted in the dark and found a sliver of light near the floor—there was a door.

"What do you want to do with her, then? We can't send her back. She'd only tell them where we are."

"I don't know, I'm not the one who _got _her."

There was the sound of a doorknob turning. Sasha relaxed her body completely and shut her eyes. Playing dead, she felt a ray of light on her face.

"'She asleep?"

"I think."

"What do you want to do, Bertl?"

For a moment there was silence. Then, Bertholdt said, "I'm going to keep her here."

Sasha woke up to the smell of cooking meat. For a moment she was excited, ready to run to get ahead of everyone else in the line for food, but she soon remembered where she was. Her stomach sunk. Again, she pulled at the ropes. The minutes dripped by like tar in the darkness, her body cramping from having stayed still for too long.

After a time the door creaked open. Sasha watched cautiously as Bertholdt walked over to her and knelt down, setting a plate of food on the floor between them. Light from behind cast heavy shadows over him, but even in the darkness she could see that his face had changed. He hardly looked like himself at all; his eyes had lost their nervous flash, and his body seemed bigger, stronger. Even so, even tied up like this, she couldn't truly believe that he was her enemy. She had known him for_ three years._

"Untie me," she demanded as soon as he sat.

Bertholdt shook his head. "I can't," he said. "So I'll have to…" he looked at the food.

"I'm not hungry" Sasha interrupted quickly, trying to keep her voice from shaking. The ropes dug into her skin, and she knew that she had no control over the situation. He could kill her in a second. With her trapped like she was, he could… She grit her teeth. "Let me go," she said, straining against her bindings until the wood of the bed groaned. "I want to leave."

He cast his eyes down. "We can't do that. We can't have the Survey Corps knowing where we are." Bertholdt paused for a second, then bowed his head. "I'm sorry, Sasha."

"Like hell you are!" she yelled, kicking out at him. "If you were sorry I wouldn't be tied down!"

He caught her leg by the heel before it hit him and slammed it back to the floor, leaving a throbbing sore. She screamed in pain and surprise, and his eyes widened as if he hadn't known that it would hurt her. "I'm sorry," he blurted. "I'm sorry! But please, Sasha, don't fight me!"

He tried to touch her foot but she jerked it away, angry, terrified, pained tears streaming down her face. _How did it come to this?_ She wondered desperately. _Why didn't they just kill me?_

"Don't fight me," Bertholdt said again, just barely loud enough for her to hear. "I'm trying to help you. Ymir…she could have ripped you apart when she found out. She was so angry. I'm the one who kept you alive."

Sasha saw him shifting towards her and spat in his face. "Get out of here, you traitor," she growled.

She didn't realize that she had fallen asleep again until she woke up in the bed. She scolded herself for not staying on guard, but, in the end, she knew it didn't matter. She couldn't have done much to protect herself anyway, and besides, she thought darkly, remembering what had gotten her there in the first place, she wasn't even supposed to be alive.

_What the hell does it matter anyway?_

Her hands were tied behind her head, her body in an even more compromising position than before.

In a bed.

_Damn it! He wouldn't—_

The door opened and she saw the tall boy standing there, carrying food again, "What the hell is this?!" she shouted before he could even make it through the door.

"You'll get pressure sores if you stay in one position for too long," he said simply. "I have food for you."

"I'm not hungry," Sasha barked.

He nodded silently, leaving it on a squat table by the bed. Slowly, he came and sat down on the mattress with her, holding her legs down one big hand so that she couldn't kick him again. "Are you ever going to eat?"

"Not until you let me go," she said, looking away from his worried eyes. He had no right to look at her that way. He was not her friend, he was a murderer. Still, she had never noticed before that he had such green eyes…

"I can't. I said."

"Well then kill me," Sasha said, closing her own eyes tiredly. "What else are you going to do? Keep me here forever?"

Bertholdt was quiet for a long while before he suddenly reached over and touched her face. Sasha's mouth dropped open slightly as she stared at him in shock, too surprised to jerk away. His hand was hot as fire. Leaning over her body, he brushed his lips lightly over hers, his warm breath rushing over her skin. "I told you that I saved your life, but I didn't tell you why."

Sasha held her breath as he leaned his head down beside hers, whispering in her ear, "I don't think you know how beautiful you are, Sasha Braus."

There was a sound outside, Reiner, or maybe Ymir. Bertholdt's eyes flashed up for half a second, watching the door, then he turned his gaze back to Sasha. She screwed her face up into a mask of anger, though inside, she had no idea how to feel. She was so confused. _Did he really just…_

"Get away from me!" Sasha yelled, her voice just barely shaking.

He watched her for a second more before he murmured, "Alright," and disappeared through the door. Again, Sasha was alone in the room.

She licked her dry lips, staring at the ceiling and waiting for the tingling in her stomach to subside. _There's no way…_


	3. Dreams and Reality

She was there, in his dream, her shining brown hair curling around her neck in the warm breeze. There was nothing around them but bright white light, and Sasha's alabaster skin melted into it, her body invisible in a white dress. He stood behind her, breathing in her forest scent and feeling it fill up his mind like a drug.

"_Sasha."_

Unconsciously, Jean's hand dragged down his bare torso, pushing away his covers, exposing his hot skin to the cool night air. It was not long before dawn.

He felt her lean back into him, but she was weightless as paper in his mind. He threw his arms around her and crushed her body against him, needing to feel the pressure of her skin on his.

Jean wrapped his hand around himself.

He brushed her hair aside and kissed her neck.

"Sasha," he said again, and the sound of his own voice began to pull apart the fabric of his dream. Her image faded into the white background, her body turning to wisps of cloud in his arms.

"Fuck, Sasha, come back," he said, half-conscious, stroking his hard length slowly, keeping his eyes closed to deny reality and keep her alive in his dream. He tried to imagine her face, but the picture wasn't enough to satisfy him. He needed to feel her.

Jean groaned in frustration as he stroked himself faster, biting his lip and trying to keep himself quiet. "Saaah…sh…_ahh"_

He could almost feel her hands running over his body—not calloused and rough like his, but soft, gentle. Her skin must be so soft. He wanted to bury his face in it. He wanted to drag his lips over every inch of her body, to get high off of her scent. He panted. Precum dripped from his throbbing member, soon pooling on his muscled stomach. Faster. He felt her standing behind him, pressing her beautiful body against his, her soft breasts pushing into his skin, her hand wrapped around his cock. _Hers._

"Hah..hh-ha!"

Jean's hair stuck to his forehead with sweat. He needed her so bad…ly. So…

His mind went blank. He turned and bit into his pillow to stifle his moan as he came, his body shivering with release. _"Damn,"_ Jean muttered, wiping the sweat off of his forehead. Then, opening his eyes, he remembered. It could never happen. She could never be with him.

She was dead.

"Damn," he said again, choking on the word as his throat closed up. Covering his eyes, he threw off his covers and ran to the showers, turning on the hot water before anyone had the chance to see him. Through the hall windows, he saw that the sky was just beginning to turn gray with the sunrise.

"You're so fucking pathetic," he whispered to himself, leaning his head against the cool tile wall and closing his eyes. He hated himself, for jerking off to her memory of a dead girl, for not telling her how he'd felt about her, _for not being able to save her._

Jean sunk down to the floor of the shower. "Fucking pathetic," he said again through gritted teeth. He blinked back his tears. He could have done it. He could have saved her. He could have refused to ever let her go in the first place. He could have punched Levi in the face. He could have burned that _fucking_ wig the night before they had gone out.

In his mind's eye he saw her as she reached out for him from the titan's mouth. He could hear her scream echoing in his mind. She had tried to be so tough about it, but in the end, she was scared out of her mind and he hadn't been able to help her.

"God damn it, Sasha," he choked. "Come back."

Suddenly, the door creaked and someone else came in. Jean jumped up off the floor and tried to make himself look like he hadn't just been crying. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Eren walk past him with a towel over his face. As the darker boy looked up, Jean saw that his eyes were swollen and red.

For a moment, they did nothing but stare at each other, two red-eyed boys. Jean quickly turned away. "'Got some soap in my eye just now." He lied hurriedly, an offering to pretend.

"I always look like this right after I wake up." Eren accepted.

For a long while there was nothing but the sound of water hitting tile. The room was soon filled with thick steam, and finally Jean was hidden enough to let himself cry again. He wished that he wouldn't. He hated to cry in front of anyone, but he couldn't seem to make himself stop. Every time he calmed down a bit, he would remember…

"Jean?"

He looked up to find Eren looking at him through the foggy steam. "What?" he asked, turning away and washing his face furiously.

"D'you think that she's still alive?"

Jean froze. He looked again at Eren, who stood with his face to the wall, his back hunched. "I mean," he continued, "They might not have killed her, right? They might've just brought her somewhere…"

_Impossible,_ Jean told himself immediately. She wasn't. That kind of hope would do nothing but screw with him. He didn't want it. "Shut the fuck up, Eren."

"No listen. I was thinking. The three of them…they might have betrayed us, but they felt bad about it, didn't they? Remember—"

"Shut up, Eren."

"—when we were trying to talk to Bertholdt, he seemed like he felt bad, so maybe they're going to keep her alive with them instead. They wouldn't just kill her. She was friends with all of us. Don't you think—"

"I said shut up."

"Why the hell won't you listen to me? She could be—"

"I SAID SHUT THE _FUCK_ UP!" Jean hurled a bar of soap at Eren, hitting him hard enough on the shoulder to knock him off balance and make him slip on the wet floor. With the slap of flesh on tile, Eren was on all-fours, holding a bloody knee.  
_"What the hell, Jean?!"_ He demanded, throwing the soap back with all his strength. It missed, bouncing off a wall and sliding away.

"I told you to shut up," Jean repeated tiredly. Reaching over, he turned off his water. "I don't want to hear that."

Eren stared at him in disbelief. "Don't you want—"

"Of course I want her to be alive!" Jean nearly shouted. His voice echoed around the showers, hanging between them. Lowering his voice to keep everyone else from waking, he added, "I want her to be alive…so much." He covered his eyes. Of all the people to see him cry, fucking _Eren._ "But people just don't make it in this world. People don't miraculously survive and come back all happy and safe. We live in a world where when someone goes, they're gone. She's not coming back. Letting myself hope that…that's just dumb. That's the kind of thing that drives people crazy."

Eren stared at him, pulling himself up off the floor. "You don't goddamn know that, Jean. You might think you do, but you goddamn don't. You're not the only one who wanted her to make it, okay? I would kill to have her here again! If we just ask Levi, we might get the chance to do something for her, and you're just giving up on it? What the hell kind of person are you?"

"The kind who doesn't want to end up insane!" Jean yelled, storming out and leaving Eren behind him. "Wait!" Eren demanded, but Jean ignored it. "Damn," he said to himself, shaking his dark hair out of his eyes.

As Eren went back to his room, he heard the rest of Squad Levi waking up, shifting about in their blankets, making their beds creak and they got out. It was the wrong time to cry. Breakfast was in only a few moments. Everyone would see him.

But as his back slid down the rough wall of his room, Eren just couldn't help it.


	4. A Visit in the Dark

The next time he came, it was so late at night that she could only tell the door was open by the sound of its squeaking hinges. Sasha tensed, unable to get up. In a second, she felt a weight on the side of the mattress and he placed his hand gently on her leg

"Sasha? Are you awake?" Bertholdt asked in a whisper. She bit her lip and said nothing, trying to shift away from him. "Are you alright?"

_What the hell kind of question is that?_ She wanted to scream, but she held her tongue. She didn't want to talk to him. If he liked her, he would let her go. It was simple. Yet, she was still tied down.

He touched her face, and she felt butterflies in her stomach. He was so gentle, so much the opposite of what he should be. He was the colossal titan. He had kicked a hole in Wall Maria. He had _killed _hundreds of thousands of people. Millions. What he had done was still killing people. She wished her heartbeat wasn't so loud. She was sure he could hear it.

"Come on, Sash, please. Don't ignore me."

"Untie me," she said quietly.

Bertholdt was silent for a moment, then she felt the mattress dip towards him as he laid down next to her, his big hand resting on her stomach. Right where the butterflies were. She would have laughed at it just a few days ago. Now it stuck in her throat.

"I'm so sorry, Sasha."

"I don't care," she said. "I just want to go home."

Bertholdt brushed her hair aside and rested his chin on her shoulder. "I know," he said, "And I am so sorry. I didn't want you to have to go through this."

Sasha bit her lip, suddenly feeling her heart seize up. "I don't get why you can't just let me go."

He sat up and looked into her face in the dark. "Are you crying?"

"Shut up. No."

"Sasha…" he said sadly, cupping her cheek in his hand and brushing away the tears running silently down her face. "Please don't cry. I'm trying to help you; I'm doing everything I can, please, just don't…"

"I said I wasn't crying, you big stupid shit," she snapped, but her voice cracked despite what she said. He took her face in both hands and pressed his forehead against hers, his hot skin making her feel like she had a fever. Their noses touched. Knowing he was about to kiss her, she jerked back.

"What's wrong?" Bertholdt asked, pushing himself back up. He was on all fours over her body, trapping her even without the ropes. His legs rubbed against hers. His breath was hot on her cheeks. She felt a warm flush running over her body, making her shiver with arousal. The heat swirled between her legs. _Damn!_ She thought as her body worked against her. The idea of having him on top of her with her hands tied should have made her sick, but instead…_I'm not… I'm not turned on… I'm not…I'm not…_ Still, she could feel herself blushing bright red in the dark.

For a moment, the two just stared, each waiting for the other to make a move.

"It's alright that you like me, okay?" Sasha whispered, her voice shaky. "It's alright. But if you use these ropes to treat me like a fucking ragdoll I'm going to—"

"I would never." Bertholdt's weight shifted and in a second the ropes around her wrists loosened. "You know what?" His face was an inch from hers. "Do whatever you want."

_I want to leave,_ she told herself. But she couldn't deny what she was feeling. Though she wished that she could see him as a monster, he was human. She knew him. And, despite common sense, she wanted him.

Bertholdt waited a moment, watching to see what she would do. When Sasha didn't move, he leaned in, and she tilted her head to catch his warm lips with her own. She shook the ropes free of her hands and buried her fingers in his thick black hair.

Bertholdt smiled against her mouth and then kissed her fiercely, sucking on her bottom lip, licking it ever so slightly. She opened her mouth in a gasp and he forced his tongue inside, deepening the kiss and making her moan as she felt her body growing hotter, her blood rushing faster. One of his hands drifted down her body, resting heavily on her hip, so close. Slowly, he pulled back, his eyes bright in the dark. "Was that your first real kiss, Sasha?"

Her stomach sank. "It was bad?"

"No," he chuckled, kissing her neck and making her breath hitch. "You're perfect."He bit her collarbone and she dug her fingers into his scalp, needing more. Her body was on fire, her belly tingling. "I had no idea," he murmured into her skin, "That anyone could be this perfect."

"Hah…" Sasha panted. "Sh-shut up." She pulled his face back up and kissed him again, arching her back and pressing her body against his, feeling his toned, hard chest rub against hers. "ah—"

He took her shirt in his hands nearly tore it open, a few buttons ripping off and skipping across the floor. Sasha moaned. His hands dragged up the skin of her stomach pushed her bra away, caressing and kneading her breasts, his thumbs rubbing over her nipples. "Fuck, Sasha," he groaned. "You're so…" He licked one of them, making her gasp. "So beautiful."

She wrapped her arms around his head, burying her face in his hair to keep herself from moaning out. Unconsciously, her thighs squeezed together, rubbing against each other, needing. She hissed as he bit her playfully, his breath making her wild.

_What am I doing?_

He drew his knee up between her legs and she bucked against it, hardly aware of what she was doing. Trailing her fingers down his hard torso, she pulled his shirt up over his head and pressed herself against his naked chest, his skin so hot it almost burned her. She gasped, choking on her breath as she ground her entire body into him, pressing her hips against his and tracing his collarbone with a kiss. Bertholdt looked down at her flushed face, brushing his lips against her cheek before he reached down and undid the button of her pants.

"Wh-what are you doing?" she gasped, staring at him.

His green eyes were bright in the darkness, nearly glowing as he gazed back at her. He said nothing, instead kissing her hard, his tongue distracting her as he pushed his hand past the band of her trousers. He smiled almost to himself as he felt her skin shiver and jump at his touch.

"_Fuck,"_ Sasha hissed, feeling his fingers rubbing her clit through her underwear. She closed her eyes, but she could still feel him watching her. "F-fuh…"

"You're so wet," he gasped, kissing her again as he pulled her pants down, leaving nothing but her panties between his hand and her pussy. Sasha swore and thrust her hips against his palm, needing more. He rubbed her faster, making her legs shiver. "Bertholdt…"

"You like this, Sasha?" He hissed, his voice husky. Now she could feel his erection rubbing against her through his pants, already so hard on her leg. She'd never even seen a boy's privates before…she had no business needing his so badly.

He kissed her fiercely and tore off her panties, trailing one finger down her opening before forcing it inside her.

"Aah!"

"Fuck, Sasha," he said, "you're too tight…for two fingers."

She pressed her mouth against his shoulder and moaned loudly into his skin. "I'm…sorry."

He laughed quietly. "It's the opposite of a problem."

She panted, feeling her body growing even more aroused, and he tried to push another of his fingers in. Sasha gasped, suddenly feeling like there was something within her ripping. "Stop!" she cried, digging her fingers into his back in pain. "Bertholdt, stop!"

"I'm sorry, Sash," he said, kissing her forehead. "I have to do this now so it'll be easier on you later."

_Later? Does he mean…_

She shut her eyes tightly and bit her lip, feeling a tear squeezing out of the corner of her eye. "Bertholdt! Crap, that…really…_ow_."

After a moment, though, her pain subsided, and she relaxed. Bertholdt smiled, kissing her neck as she moaned in pleasure again, his thumb stroking her clitoris as he thrust his fingers into her, stroking her sensitive spot and making her shiver. "Ah…hah…ha…"

Suddenly, Bertholdt pulled back, his weight disappearing from the bed. Sasha could hear the sound of his muffled swearing as he fumbled with the button of his trousers in the dark, finally unzipping them and throwing them away behind him. In a flash he was back on top of her, his lips pressing hard against her mouth, almost desperate. "I need you, Sasha," he groaned, pressing his hardness against her mons as he leaned over her. She ran her hands over the muscles of his back, feeling them strain against his smooth skin as he held himself above her, and kissed him back.

She felt him pressing against her entrance, and suddenly fully realized what she was doing. What was wrong with her? He was the colossal—"AH!" Sasha screamed as he thrust his entire length into her at once.

"S-Sasha," He panted, his dick pushing so far into her that it almost hurt. She hadn't even known that part of her body existed. Sasha curled her fists around the sheets of the bed and turned her head into the pillow, biting it to keep herself from yelling. "_Fuck, Sasha,_ you're so…fucking…"

He put everything he had into one thrust and she gave a muffled scream of pleasure. He kissed her neck, biting her slightly. She moaned. Bertholdt smiled against her skin._"'So good,"_ he grunted. Slowly, he dragged his hand over her breasts and down her belly, his touch so light that she shivered around it. He began to rub her clit again, making her groan and pant into the fabric.

"Stop doing that, Sasha," he whispered into her ear. "I want to hear you."

Sasha reluctantly let the pillow fall back to the mattress, realizing that he seemed to have stopped moving. She looked up at his face cautiously, seeing his eyes shining green in the dark. "What?" she asked apprehensively.

"Oh nothing," he teased.

Then in one movement, Bertholdt thrust himself all the way inside her, deeper than Sasha even knew he could go. She screamed out in pleasure and dug her fingers into his back, nearly crying. It was too much. She couldn't handle it any more.

A wave of pleasure like Sasha had never even _imagined_ crashed over her, making her jaw drop and her breath hitch. _"Ah,"_ she heard him moan as her walls clamped down on his member. "Shh…shit, Sasha, I'm gonna…"

She felt a sudden warmth spreading inside her, though she was too far out of her mind in the aftermath of her orgasm to think much of it at all. Panting, Bertholdt crashed down on the bed beside her. Laying one big hand over her smooth waist, he pulled her into his tall body.

"You might not have gotten here the best way," he murmured, touching the tip of her ear with his nose, "but I'm so glad you are." He kissed her neck, his unsteady breath making her shiver. Sasha listened to the rhythm of his breathing, feeling it rush over her skin, and let the rise and fall of his chest lull her to sleep.

But even as her mind clouded over with dreams, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was horribly wrong with her.


	5. To Claw at the Air (warning)

**** Author's Note: Trigger warning for violent rape and blood. I was debating whether to alter this or cut it entirely, but decided to keep it as-is. Please use discretion****

Bertholdt was gone when she woke up. For a moment she missed him, though, she realized with a sudden rush, the door had been left open an inch. Light from outside was pouring into the room in a single, bright line, illuminating everything in dim yellow brightness. _This is it,_ she thought, her blood running fast trough her veins. _I…can leave!_

Slowly, Sasha pushed herself up off the bed. Immediately she groaned, feeling a vicious soreness between her legs. "Ow," she whimpered, standing up carefully and doing the few buttons that remained on her shirt. She didn't think about the spaces it left over her breasts for a second. Her only thought was to run.

Tiptoeing quietly on the old wood floor, Sasha made it to the door and peered through the crack, looking out on a hallway lit up by sunlight. _I could get out more quickly if I went through the window, _she thought, _but I would screw myself up pretty bad on the glass and not be able to run at all… _"Shit," she mouthed to herself. She could have to find the door. Finally, though, she could see the forest outside. They must not have taken her far from that village in the mountains, after all.

She might only have a few seconds. Sasha turned back and looked back at the room that had been her prison for…she couldn't even tell how many days. It looked disarmingly comforting in the light, almost like her room back in her own village. She turned over her shoulder and spat, something she hadn't don't since leaving Dauper. That room deserved a special kind of hatred.

_I lost my virginity in there,_ she thought suddenly. Another part of her mind brushed it away. She had to escape.

Clutching her Survey Corps cape over her naked chest, she stole quietly down the hall, finding a flight of stairs at its end. She paused to listen for voices, but there was nothing but the sound of the house creaking. One stair at a time, she crept down, looking around for the door.

There.

She had it.

Sasha lost her wits, breaking into a sprint at the sight of her escape. Her hand closed on the cool brass doorknob, shining like heaven itself, and she was halfway out over the stoop when she heard a shout behind her and two massive arms hooked under her shoulders, hefting her off the ground like a doll. _"NO!"_ Sasha roared, clawing at the open air before her. _"NO! LET ME GO!"_

She jerked and twisted around, punching and scratching at her attacker's face with her fingernails and feeling his flesh tear under them. It only made him crush her harder, until she screamed for mercy.

He dropped her and Sasha crumpled to the ground like an animal, shaking, on all fours as she tried to catch her breath. She leapt for the door but it slammed shut in her face. Only then, after the forest outside was gone, did she even think to look back at the man.

Reiner.

She could have fainted in fear. He wiped the blood off his face and grabbed her again, tuning her on her back and pinning her to the floor. Sasha screamed again and he hit her hard across the face, making her taste blood. "Where did you think you were going?"

Sasha felt hot tears of frustration running down her bruised face. _Damn it all!_ she cursed herself,_ I was so fucking close! _"Let me go!" She demanded, glaring up at Reiner. He raised his fist again and she jerked her head away in fear.

Reiner leaned down over her body, holding his lips by her ear. Already, his face was healed. "Where did you think you could go, you dumb bitch? You're not inside Wall Rose anymore. This is titan territory."

Sasha bucked and twisted, trying to get free, but Reiner was a bear. He could have held her entire body down with one hand, and he did, watching her struggle with an almost amused look on his face. "Did you really think we would just let you leave? Run back to that short bastard and tell him where we are? Ha!" Sasha whimpered as Reiner held his face inches from hers, his yellow eyes the only thing she could see. "I know what happened last night, whore," he whispered.

Sasha spat in his face. "Don't you _dare_ call me-UGH!"

The blonde boy swooped in and bit her lip_ hard,_ breaking the skin. Sasha tied to turn her face away but he grabbed her jaw and forced her to look up as he forced his tongue into her mouth, tasting like blood. His mouth muffled her cries for help, though she wasn't sure who would help her. _Bertholdt…_ but if we would have, he would already be there. Sasha kicked at his crotch and bit his tongue. Reiner roared and brought his huge fist down on the floor right beside her head.

"I'll fucking kill you on the spot if you _ever_ try to do that again," he growled, his lips stained red.

"Get off of me!" Sasha shouted, still struggling even though by now she knew she had no chance. She had to try something else. "We were friends, Reiner," she pleaded. "Please, don't…"

"Friends? Really? I'm a warrior, you fucking hick," Reiner said, his eyes glowing. "To the victor go the spoils of war."

He sat back and reached for the band of her pants, kneeling over her legs. He could hold both her wrists down with one of his hands. "Stop!" Sasha screamed, but it only seemed to make him more aggressive. In his eyes there was a wild, feral look, something altogether inhuman. Sasha froze, some primal instinct taking over as she watched him tear all the clothing off her legs.

_Am I…going to die?_ She thought, terrified.

Reiner was already half-hard, and yanked his own pants down to his knees before forcing her legs apart. "Wait!" Sasha screamed. _"Reiner!"_ It was happening too fast, there was no way that she could take it.

"You seem pretty wet, Sasha," Reiner said with a smirk.

"_You sick bastard!"_ She tried to get her leg out from under him and kick him in the face. He caught her by the ankle and slammed it back down on the floor with a sickening crack. Sasha sobbed, trying in vain to keep her legs closed. She glanced down and saw his dick, and suddenly her body went numb. He was huge. Sasha swallowed, her throat too dry to say a word, not even a scream. _There's no way it'll…_

"I don't want to _hurt_ you," he murmured, kissing her forehead as he spread her opening with two fingers. Sasha's eyes widened in fear, but she couldn't make a sound. "I would actually…" Reiner said, thrusting his wide fingers into her, "…like you to enjoy this. I heard you and Bertholdt last night." _Thrust._ "You seemed to enjoy that quite," _Thrust._ "A," _Thrust._ "Bit."

Sasha trembled in fear and, despite herself, despite everything, arousal. She hated body for its response. Turning her head into her shoulder, she bit into her own skin to distract herself from her horror. "But then again," Reiner continued, forcing another kiss on her split lip. "That's not really a priority right now."

He lined himself up with her opening and she whimpered a pathetic "Please…" before he shoved his organ inside her. Sasha howled in pain, her walls stretching too far to accommodate him.

"Come on, potato whore," he laughed, pulling her face up to watch him as he thrust into her like an animal. "Tell me you don't like it. Your pussy is practically sucking me in."

Sasha stared into space, feeling her eyes cloud over. She had seen soldiers coming back from expeditions with that look on their faces, a look that said someone's eyes had seen so many horrors that they just didn't want to see anything at all. She retreated from her senses, hiding deep in her mind where even Reiner's dick seemed far away. She could feel herself crying, but she didn't make a sound.

Reiner panted and grunted, moving her body around like a toy until her cheek was on the floor and her ass was in the air. He pulled her hips back and forth like she was little more than a corpse.

_How did it end up this way?_ She wondered.

"It came from over here!"

Reiner froze, his penis halfway in her, his muscles suddenly tense and all his senses turned towards the door like a hunting dog. Someone was outside.

He pulled out of her and yanked his pants back up, leaving her on the ground as he stalked toward the door. "_Bitch_," he muttered, "You were too loud."

"Yo, I think you might want to see this…"

"No way, a house all the way out here? What the hell?"

Through the crack between the door and the floor, Sasha could see two Survey Corps soldiers stopped in front of the house, their horses pawing the ground nervously. "I heard someone screaming," one said, and the other nodded. "Me too…you think we should…"

Suddenly, Sasha was off the floor, ramming Reiner out of the way with her shoulder while his guard was down and throwing the door open. "SASHA BRAUS, OF SQUAD LEVI!" Reiner grabbed her by the neck with all his strength, but she still managed to shout, "_Tell him I'm still here! GO! Tell him—"_ he cut her off with a punch in the stomach. Outside, the horses whinnied as their riders yanked on the reins, galloping off.

What happened next was a more of a painful dream than reality. By the time that Sasha was fully conscious again, she was back in the room, bruised and bleeding. Tied again to the foot of the bed, she rested her head on the floor in front of her and tried to drown out the pain with sleep.

* * *

**** Author's Note: I was considering altering this chapter or cutting it completely and only implying that Sasha had been raped in later chapters. It was really tough to write this one, and I realize that it might be tough to read, especially for some people. I am very sorry. However, I wanted to keep it in its current state because I didn't want to water down or romanticize rape. A lot of the other works I've read on this site tend to use the idea that you can rape someone until they enjoy it, and that's wrong. I also didn't want to downplay it by cutting the scene entirely and simply saying that it had happened, because that would make light of a very serious type of situation. Again, I am very sorry if this disturbed you. I promise that this will be the only scene of this type in this work, and Sasha will recover. ****


	6. Impractical

"_Obviously_ we have to get her!" Jean said, his wide eyes flicking between the commander, Levi, and Hanji. "Why is this even up for debate? We know exactly where she is!"

"We're not even remotely ready to engage either the Colossal or Armored titan yet, let alone the two of them together," Erwin repeated almost mechanically. The two had been in his office for an hour now, running in circles around the same obstacle. "And there's no telling whether or not we'll have to deal with Ymir fighting for them. We don't even have an idea of what she's truly capable of."

"I can take them," Eren pleaded, "All we would need is an elite squad to get me there and then I can…I don't know, grab her and run. It'll be quick. They won't have time to catch me."

"Hanji," the commander said tiredly.

"Ymir's titan was moving about three times as fast as a galloping horse when she was chasing Sasha, by my best estimate," Hanji reported, light hiding her eyes as it reflected off of her glasses She looked away from the two boys, her shoulders slumped. "And we know for a fact that she was making an effort to keep her target unharmed. Just imagine what she could do if she were chasing to kill."

Eren looked down at his hands, held tight in fists. "Damn it, we're so close, and you're just letting them have her?"

"There's simply no way around this." Erwin stood up, walking to the window and looking outside. "Eren, I know that it may seem like we're acting completely without humanity, but you must set your emotions aside and look at it from our point of view. Sasha Braus may have been more willing to give herself up for the good of mankind than almost anyone, and she was an admirable soldier, but the fact is that she's a rookie with few completely unique talents. She just barely made the top ten of her class. You'd be asking us to sacrifice veteran officers, who have already been through hell, and who by surviving have already proven their mettle, to save her. Does that sound like a good plan to you?"

"She deserves to be saved, damn it!" Jean shouted. "Didn't you hear how they found her? They heard her _screaming!_ She's probably in hell right now! Who would you be to leave a _teenage girl_ under your command alone with—"

"Don't even try to play that card, Kirschstein," Levi warned quietly. "No one needs to hear that."

"So you would rather just ignore it!"

Levi glared back at him, a vicious look in his eyes. "The two of you are dismissed."

Eren leapt up from his seat. "Corporal—!"

"Dismissed," he said flatly.

For a moment, it seemed like Jean was going to rip his throat out. Moblit, standing silently beside Hanji, reached slowly for his swords, but before Jean could move Eren put his hand on his shoulder and said, "Come on."

After the door clicked shut behind the boys, Hanji poured herself drink and sat down on the office couch, holding her forehead in one hand. "Poor kids." She said. "I almost think it would be easier on them if they'd found her dead."

"There's nothing we can do," Erwin said again, though without the boys there, he seemed to lose his conviction. "There's simply…no way."

Levi shook his head, looking out the window, towards Wall Rose in the distance. "Commander," he began.

.

"_I should have broken his fucking nose!"_ Jean hissed, punching the wall of the hallway outside Erwin's office. He swore and pulled back his fist, the skin of his knuckles broken and bloody. "What the fuck are they thinking?! How can they even sleep at night?"

"Fuck," Eren muttered, sliding his back down the wall and hanging his head between his knees. "We're so close. Damn them, we're so fucking close."

Jean put his face in his hands and groaned. "Fuck that short little—"

"_Kirschstein."_

The two of them jumped, turning to see Levi striding out of Erwin's office, his face a mask. _Shit!_ Jean thought, snapping his hands into a desperate salute and hoping that Levi hadn't heard.

"Pack up your crap, brats," he said, walking past without throwing them a glance. "We're gonna go get her out of that shithole first thing tomorrow morning."

* * *

**** Author's note: I apologize for taking so long to update; I was abroad without my computer. I'll have another chapter up in a few minutes to make up for this one being so short and will hopefully go back to updating every few days. Thank you very much for the positive reviews! ****


	7. Return to Darkness

**** Author's Note: Potential triggers: blood/injury, characters speaking about rape ****

The door opened, and for a moment there was someone breathing heavily, angrily, in the doorway. Then it slammed shut, making the bed rattle against the bruises on her back. It dragged her painfully out of sleep. Sasha curled away from the noise, biting back her cries on the floor as she waited for her aches to subside. She heard him yelling for Reiner.

"What the hell did you do to her?!" Bertholdt shouted furiously, and Sasha heard a body crashing heavily into the wall outside the room. "How could you even do that to a girl?"

"Get off of me!" Reiner roared.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"So when _you _do it—!"

"_YOU TREATED HER LIKE AN ANIMAL!"_ Reiner bellowed in pain and Sasha knew that Bertholdt had hit him. "It was_ nothing_ like…like when we—!"

There was a loud tumbling outside the room, and then it was Bertholdt who yelled out. Reiner slammed his friend's body against the floor, making the whole house shake. "What the hell have you been telling me this whole time, you asshole? 'Do your fuckin' duty, be a fuckin' warrior, all those Suicide Corps assholes are so fucking far below you.' Well isn't this what you want, then? Or does it make you a better man to do nothing but leave them to die when—"

"We're not goddamn _rapists_, Reiner! And what about those soldiers, huh? Whose fucking fault was that? You just blew our hideout! Now get the fuck off of me!"

A moment passed in tense silence before Sasha heard Reiner's heavy footsteps down the hall. Again the door opened, and Bertholdt was by her side in a second, pressing his warm body into her small and broken one. "Sasha…Sasha…Come on, wake up for me, Sasha. You're alright, come on, open your eyes now."

She felt his fingers running over her face, touching her bruised and bloody cheek, her swollen black eye. She whimpered and leaned weakly away, every nerve flaring up with pain. "Oh, no," he whispered, pulling her head up off the cold wood. "No, no, no. Come on, you're okay. Say something, Sasha."

One eye swollen shut, she cracked open the other and looked at him. Bertholdt watched her with a pale face.

"It wasn't his fault," the tall boy said, holding her ruined face gently in his hands. "He's confused right now. He's losing himself in all of this. He didn't—"

"What a fucking excuse," Sasha growled through her fat lip. "Leave me alone, Bertholdt."

"I'm sorry," he murmured, untying her hands and cradling her against his chest. "Oh god, I'm so sorry."

He stroked her hair and wrapped bandaged around the worse of her cuts. Sasha said nothing, because she had nothing to say. After long while, Bertholdt laid her down on the bed and tucked the covers over her body, before pressing his lips against her forehead and gently lacing his fingers through her own. He looked down at their hands for a moment, running his thumb over her index finger. With a heavy sigh, he pulled both her hands up above her head. Sasha's good eye widened. He was tying her up again.

"I said you couldn't leave," He said darkly. "I really hoped that we could trust you to stay put, but you tried to run away anyway, so it's not like I have much of a choice here."

"Bertholdt!" She gasped, "You can't! After everything that…After…" She stared at him, her heart pounding in horror. "Please," she begged, "don't tie me down."

He looked down at her sadly, stroking her cheek. Then he turned and walked out, locking the door behind him. _"Bertholdt!"_ Sasha screamed, bucking and thrashing her body to break the ropes. They did nothing but bite into her skin. _"Don't leave me tied down!"_


	8. Freedom has Wings

Sasha jumped as the front door slammed. Downstairs, she heard a female voice yell, "We've got a problem!"

Ymir. She hadn't heard Ymir's voice since the first day. Sasha held her breath, listening.

"There's no way that they can take the three of us together," Reiner said matter-of-factly, "even if they sent the entire survey corps. They don't stand a chance."

"It's got to be some kind of trick," Bertholdt said nervously. "Erwin would never attack all of us three at the same time. How many squads are there?"

"Not even one. It's just three guys. I couldn't get a good look without letting them see me, but one of them was definitely Levi."

"That…that doesn't make any sense." Bertholdt had begun to pace, his footsteps making the floor below her room creak. "Why would they risk losing Levi on such a small mission?"

"There's got to be another force hiding somewhere," Reiner said.

"I didn't see one anywhere."

"And your sight is _really_ damn accurate, bitch."

"_You shut the fuck—"_

"Guys," Bertholdt interrupted. "Now is not the time."

"We should take off," Ymir said. "Save this fight for later. I don't want to kill them if I don't have to."

"Now might be the only time we get the chance to take him out without an entire army to go through first," Reiner argued. "We need to take it. You both know he's a problem."

"That's true," Bertholdt said. "Levi has to go."

Sasha felt her heart sink. If Levi was killed, where would the Survey Corps be left?

"Fine," Ymir muttered, so quietly that Sasha had to strain to hear her. "Fine."

"Where are they?"

"They were about a kilometer to the east on horseback."

Sasha's heart skipped. _That means…_

"Stupid bitch!" Reiner shouted. "You should have said that first! They could already be—"

Suddenly there was a great explosion outside, making the whole house shake on its foundations. "Shit!" one of the boys screamed, though with her ears ringing, Sasha couldn't tell which. Trees groaned and snapped loudly beyond the walls.

_Eren!_

They had come for her. Sasha almost cried in relief. She could hear Reiner yelling and Ymir running outside. "You have to keep him alive!" Bertholdt was shouting over the confusion. "Reiner! We need him!"

The whir of 3D maneuver gear filled up the air outside, and she heard Eren's roar rip through the air. Another explosion.

Sasha screamed in shock as the window outside her door shattered, hearing a body hit the floor heavily and crash into the opposite wall. _No!_ she thought wildly, wondering if someone had already been killed. Was it Levi? She struggled against her bindings, earning nothing but a vicious wave of pain as she tried to use her bruised muscles. "Shit!"

"Sasha?!" a male called. "Where are you?"

She knew that voice. Relief flooded her mind like a drug. "Here," she said, then louder, "I'm in here!"

Jean didn't know what he had been expecting to find, but never had he guessed that they would have left her like this. Opening the door, seeing her squinting in the light like she had been kept in the dark room all this time, he was almost sick with anger. Only when he got closer did he see her ruined body. "Oh, god," he whispered, running over to her and cutting her free of the ropes. "Oh, my god." He leaned down over her, taking her head in his hands and turning is back and forth, looking over her purpled skin and black eye. "What did they do to you?"

"Kirschstein, we haven't got all fucking day!" Levi shouted from outside.

Jean cursed. "Can you move?"

"I don't know," Sasha said. "Not quickly."

He looked back to the window and nodded, then picked her up. "This might be a little rough…" he started. Sasha closed her eyes tightly, preparing herself for pain.

"Just…one more thing, though," Jean said as he walked to the window. "There's a good chance that we won't make it out of here," he murmured, holding her to his chest. "I just…"

"_Kirschstein!"_

The urgency in the corporal's voice made his heart pound. Sasha's mouth was badly cut, but…Jean touched her chin, tilting her head so that he could press his lips gently against hers. "I wanted to make sure that I got to do that."

Sasha's eyes shot open, but before she could say anything, he stepped up onto the window sill. Shards of glass cracked under his boots. He fired his 3D Maneuver gear and in an instant they were flying across the air, high up into the tops of the trees around them.

Sasha looked down, seeing Eren trying to fight off Ymir's titan and Bertholdt's swords as Levi spun around the armored titan's head, too fast for its stiff arms to catch, too much of a distraction for it to go after Eren. Jean put Sasha down on a thick branch for a moment and fired a signal flare. As soon as Levi caught sight of it, he threw both his swords into the titan's face and flew over to Eren, cutting his body out of his titan's neck and launching both of them up into the threes before Ymir or Bertholdt could follow. "Fall back!" the corporal shouted.

.

There was a cart at the edge of the forest, along with two saddled horses. Jean swung out of the trees and ran to it, laying her down on the hard wood and making her wince. "I'm sorry," he said. "It's the best we could do. Hanji'll patch you up when we get back. Just hold on until then."

"Jean, you—"

Levi hit the ground running and practically threw Eren's bloody body down beside her, missing arms and legs. "Jean, go!" he shouted, smacking one of the pull horses hard on its flank and vaulting onto his own. The cart jolted forward as the animals ran, Levi riding on one side and Jean catching up on the other.

"Are they following us?" he shouted to Levi, still holding his swords.

"I don't know," Levi said. "Have you ever been religious, Kirschstein?"

"…No, sir?"

"You should consider praying."

Sasha looked up at the sky, seeing the clouds above her turning pink and yellow in the sunset. She wondered how many days she had been there, how many sunsets she had missed. She couldn't even remember.

"Sasha?"

She turned her head and found Eren looking at her, his eyes bright over the scars around them. He was barely conscious, only just keeping them open. "I'm…glad you're back." He said. "I know it'll be hard, but you should try to sleep. Nothing's going to happen to you while we're here. You're safe."

"I…"

Suddenly, Sasha felt tears welling up in her eyes. She reached up to wipe them away with the back of her hand, only to see that the marks that the roped had left on her wrists were still ugly and red against her skin. She covered her mouth, but she couldn't keep herself from sobbing, sobbing in pain and horror and guilt, and, most of all, relief.

"Th-thank you so much," she managed. Through her teary blurred vision, she saw Eren turn towards her and lean his head against her shoulder.

"My hands haven't grown back," he muttered. "I wish I could hold your hand, but this is all I can do."

"Thank you," Sasha whispered.


	9. The Fireflies

She woke up covered in bandages and blankets, a pack of half-melted ice resting on the side of her face. Sunlight streamed in through an open window, and brought with it the familiar smell of horses and grass.

"Finally awake?" someone asked. Sasha turned her head to the side, her neck sore, and saw Hanji sitting in a chair beside her bed. Behind her, Levi leaned against the wall in the corner, watching her silently. Hanji grinned. "You sure took your time."

Sasha winced, all of her aches and pains coming back in full force. "How long have I…"

"I'd say somewhere around a day and a half."  
Sasha's eyes widened in disbelief. "That can't be right."

"Your body'd been through hell when we got there," Levi said, walking over and pulling up a chair by Hanji. "I don't blame it for shutting down. Better soldiers than you have been out longer after taking that kind of a beating."

"Besides," Hanji added lightly, giving her a slight smile, "We gave you some drugs."

"Oh," She said, reaching up absently and touching the bruise on her neck. Only then did she realize that she was naked under the sheets. "Wha—Where are my clothes?" She asked nervously, staring at Hanji.

"We took them off so that we could dress all of your wounds." The statement hung in the air. They all know what kind of wounds she had. "Sasha…I know that you…went through a lot." Hanji couldn't meet her eyes. "I was the one that ordered that mission, and beyond that, I was the one that decided on your part in all of it. I'm responsible…for what happened to you. Please, if you can, forgive me."

"Don't worry about it," Sasha said quietly, raising her hand as if to brush the whole thing away. She didn't want to think about whose fault it all was. She wanted it to be over. "Who else knows?"

Hanji shook her head. "Jean suspected something, and Eren, probably, but we didn't tell them."

She sighed to herself. "Thank you."

"Braus," Levi said suddenly, watching her with hard eyes. "Are you afraid of men?"

Sasha slowly shook her head, confused. "I don't know what—?"

"Hanji," the corporal said. "Take off for a second."

"I'm not sure…"

"_Get lost."_

With a worried look, Hanji stood up and walked out, closing the door behind her. "Sasha," Levi said, pulling his chair closer to the bed. "Listen. I come from a place where, well, there were a lot of fucked up guys running around, to put it lightly. They were the lowest fucking kind of criminals. And there were a lot of girls that had to go through what you went through. I…had a friend." He rubbed the bridge of his nose and looked out the window, the light catching the hard lines of his face. "I was younger than her. Fuck, I didn't get it. But it destroyed her. She was just…hollow. She couldn't stand to be in the same room as any male over twelve. She couldn't look at them. It was awful to watch."

Slowly, he reached out and took her hand. Sasha's eyes widened, but she didn't pull it back. His hands were…surprisingly warm, for a man like him. "Are you afraid of me, right now? Do you need me to let go?"

Sasha swallowed, her throat dry. _Am I afraid?_ She wondered, thoughts running through her mind. She shook her head as if to push them away. "You're not Reiner. I'm not afraid of you," she said firmly. Pulling at the edge of one of her bandages, she added quietly, "Besides, if it hadn't happened, you wouldn't have been able to find me. I went in there expecting to die. It wasn't better than being killed…but it couldn't have been worse, right?" She looked down at the bed, at the way her body made the sheets rise and fall like mountains. Her legs, her shoulders, her breasts. Her body, her self. And she was so broken. "No," she said. "I'm not afraid of men."

"I guess you're stronger than I thought," Levi said, almost to himself. He let go of her hand and pushed back his chair. "You should try to rest, Braus. You're pretty fucked up right now, and we're too far outside of Sina to get any decent painkillers."

"I just woke up!" she protested, but he was already out the door.

.

She was awake long past the sunset and fireflies had begun to play in the air outside, their dim lights occasionally dancing by the window. Sasha had never been afraid of the dark. Ever since she was a little girl, the nighttime had meant peace—in a village so far removed from the rest of civilization, everyone slept and woke with the sun. She could still remember the calm coolness of summer nights like this one, when the villagers left their windows open and a girl could fall asleep to the sounds of her neighbors' soft snoring. She had always loved those people, the people of her homeland. Turning her aching body to the side, the watched the fireflies, wondering if any of them would ever fly there for her.

_If I'd never left, this would never have happened._ The thought wandered unwelcome into her head, leaving a sour taste in her mouth. She tried not to think about it.

Trying not to think only made it worse, though. The darkness suffocated her, giving her eyes nothing real to latch on to. She may as well have been back in that other dark room, still tied to the bedpost in the house in the woods.

_I would like you to enjoy this._

She grit her teeth, turning her head into the pillow and closing her eyes tight. It only made it worse. His face stuck in her mind, his body bent over her, his hands big enough to crush her skull manipulating her limbs like she was a marionette.

_Tell me you don't like it._

"Fuck," Sasha muttered, digging her fingernails into the palm of her hand as the pressed her fists into her eyes.

Levi had asked her if she was afraid of men, and she wasn't. She hadn't been afraid of him. She hadn't been afraid of Eren, or Jean. But the thought of ever having to have someone inside of her again…

She was glad she hadn't eaten in days. She would have thrown up.

* * *

****Author's Note: First of all, thank you very much for the reviews. I love you all! Besos!**

**I would like to put it out there that up until now, I've been able to upload new chapters so quickly because I had actually written most of the content before and only had to edit it before putting it up, as opposed to writing every chapter as I go. I'm pretty close to the end of that work now, so hopefully I'll be able to keep up!**

**Gracias********


	10. Another Room

"I don't even get how you can complain, Sash!" Connie whined, leaning over his knees as Sasha tried to rub out the rock-hard knots in his shoulders with her elbow. They sat outside, stretching out in the sun like cats as the squad unpacked from its latest mission. It had been five days since she'd returned, but, under Levi and Hanji's orders, she was off active duty. Not even allowed to train, Sasha only ever saw her friends at meals. "You're getting the royal treatment! You get to sit here, doing nothing, eating all you want, sleeping until noon…Ow!"

"Sorry, didn't see that bruise."

"I don't get it!" He moaned. "I wish _I_ could sleep all day. I'm black and blue in places you don't even _want_ to hear about."

"Connie, that's gross," she said, slapping him on the arm. "And if this is what royalty is treated like, then I'm happy being a commoner. I'm so tired of being stuck in this place all day! It's not natural. Besides, I don't have any more time to sleep than you. I have to do all the chores now, remember? Have you ever cleaned _twenty_ stables?"

"That's not a bad deal," he muttered.

"Stop your bitching, Connie," Jean groaned, walking over to them and sitting down. He held up his forearm, showing off a bloody cut stretching from the back of his hand to his elbow. "You didn't even get beat up that badly."

"Excuse you, asshole!" Eren yelled from over by the stables. "Where the fuck is my hand? Huh, horseface?"

"It'll grow back," Jean shot back. "'Wasn't really my fault anyway," he added defiantly.

"Oww!" Connie moaned again. "Damn, Sash, you're killing me here! Where's Historia?"

"Hey!" Sasha said as Connie jumped up, rubbing the scratches and bruises on his back. "I didn't mean to!" she called after him.

Jean watched the members of Squad Levi brushing down their horses and, one by one, walking off in search of food or friends or somewhere to nap without getting caught. He slid closer to her and laid down, resting his head on his good arm. "Are you feeling better, Sasha?"

"You're the one bleeding," She said, looking at the thin line of blood dripping from his cut. "Shouldn't you go get someone to patch that up for you?"

He shook his head slightly crossing his arms behind his head and closing his eyes. "I'm not the worst, and they've got enough to deal with right now. I'll go later. Besides, I'm more tired than hurt." He yawned. "But you avoided my question."

"I'm fine," Sasha said, "though Levi won't put me back on active duty yet and it's driving me up a wall. Anyway." She stood up, brushing grass off of her skirt. "I have some stuff to do, so—"

As she stepped away from Jean, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down towards him, making her fall hard on her knees.

"What the hell?!" she demanded.

"I'm sorry! I just…Can you just sit here with me?" he asked sheepishly, letting go of her wrist and taking her hand. "You've been doing enough chores. It'll be fine if you take a break, you know, talk."

Sasha glanced down at their hands, feeling her face grow hot. _He had…_The memory of Jean's lips on hers rushed through her mind. She hugged her knees. Even after days, she was still confused, but she pushed the thought about of her head. "Okay. What did you want to talk about?"

"Are you really alright?" She looked down and found him watching her out of the corner of his eye. "You've been acting like you only got a little scratched up, but when I found you…We thought you might die, Sasha. And you were tied up…I thought—"

Sasha sighed, cutting him off. "I'm sick of everyone asking if I'm alright." She leaned back and laid down next to him, her face showing nothing as the ground pressed onto the worst of her still-healing bruises. "Do I really seem that weak?"

"We're asking because we care about you!" he exclaimed, his hand tightening around hers. She flinched and he looked away, his face slightly red.

"Sasha," he said suddenly, turning his eyes towards the sky above them. "I…ah, I kissed you."

Sasha looked up too. She remembered how gentle he had been, taking care not to hurt her split lip. Saying nothing, she nodded.

"You never really said anything," he continued. "It's been bothering me. I…I want to know how you felt. How you feel."

She turned her eyes back to Jean. He really was handsome. She had never understood how Mikasa had ignored him so easily back when they were kids. His eyes reflected the clouds as he stared up at them, irises nearly gold. It was a beautiful color. And he was a good soldier. Eren and Mikasa would die spectacularly, in a great battle, taking out twenty or thirty titans on their way out. Armin would die trying to get vital information to someone. Connie would die in some silly, stupid way that would make her guilty for not preventing. Historia...Ymir would probably accidentally kill Historia. _And me_—Sasha bit her lip—_I'll probably get eaten or something_. But Jean was a good soldier. If anyone was going to make it out of the great big mess their lives had turned into, it would be him.

"Jean…" Sasha started, turning to face him. "Right now, I…"

Something in his eyes seemed to darken. Before she could continue, he pushed himself off the ground, turning his back to her. "It's fine," he said, his voice cool. "I won't hold it against you. We'll still be friends and all. See you at dinner."  
"Hey, wait! You didn't let me finish!" But Jean was already walking away. She jumped to her feet and grabbed his arm, spinning him around to face her.

"Sasha, what—?"

Before he could say more, Sasha cupped his smooth, tan cheek in her hand and pulled his lips down into hers. He froze in surprise, his muscles tense against her touch, but quickly relaxed into her, wrapping his strong around her waist. He drew her into himself, pressing their bodies together. She could feel his chest pressing against her as he inhaled, breathing her in. She could smell his scent, sweat and blood and horses and grass, but also something different, light and beautiful. Just back from the mission, he still smelled like the world outside of the walls. It made her giddy, and she smiled into the kiss. For the first time in days, she forgot about what had happened.

A horse whinnied in the stables and they broke apart. As if she had never noticed, Sasha realized that theywere standing in the open. Anyone could see them.

"Somewhere else?" He asked breathlessly.

"Yeah."

He took her hand and led her inside. "I know a place. Follow me."

.

Sneaking through the halls like criminals, Sasha followed Jean into a half-stocked weapons closet, with wooden crates full of blades stacked in the corners and replacement 3D maneuver gear straps hanging from the walls. With no windows, it was plunged into hazy darkness as soon as he closed the door. Without a sound, he shoved one of the boxes in front of the doorway and pulled her into him.

She felt his breath on her ear. "I guess now is the time to tell you," Jean whispered, "I kind of like you."

Sasha's laugh turned into a gasp as he kissed her neck, sucking on her soft skin. Almost unconsciously, she dug her fingers into his back, curling her fist around the fabric of his jacket. With a devious smile, he drew back and pressed his forehead against hers, his breath rushing over her lips.

Sasha brushed her lips against his, and Jean kissed her back fiercely. She nipped his lower lip and felt him smile before he took her jaw in his hand and tilted her head back, his tongue entering her mouth and circling her own. She responded in kind, burying her fingers in his messy hair and pulling him down to make their kiss deeper.

Taking a heavy breath, Jean pulled off his jacket and nearly tore the buckles off his maneuver gear straps, throwing it onto the floor. He touched her jacket, as if to ask, _Can I take it off?_ and she shrugged the heavy material off of her shoulders. With nothing but the thin fabric of their shirts between them, Sasha could feel his rippling muscles beneath his shirt, his battle-cut torso straining against the fabric as he caught his breath.

Jean leaned against a wall, pulling Sasha into his body. She ran her hands down his chest and abs, holding him by the hips as she kissed his jaw. "Sasha…" he breathed, pressing against her. She could feel his hard cock straining against his pants, rubbing between her thighs.

Suddenly, Sasha's mind went dark, flooded with memories of being pinned to the floor, of being bruised and bleeding. She stared into space for a moment, brought back to reality only when Jean's hand slipped beneath the belt of her pants.

"Hey, wait!" Sasha said suddenly, pushing off of him. Mouth dry, she felt her legs shaking. She looked down at her feet. She couldn't make it stop.

"Are you alright?" Jean, confused, reached out for her with his hand. She jerked away from his skin like it had burned her.

"Don't touch me!" she cried, stumbling back to the door, covering her eyes. "I…I don't want you…to touch me."

"Sasha, what's wrong?" He asked, his eyes wide in the darkness.

"I'm sorry," she said much too quickly, nearly throwing the box of blades out of her way in her rush to get out. It hit the wall with a loud _clang,_ making her even more nervous. Someone must have heard. "I just…I've got to get out of here."

"Sasha!" Jean called after her. "Wait!" But she was already gone, sprinting down the halls like there was a monster hot on her heels.

Jean stood dumbstruck, watching her brown hair flying behind her as she disappeared. "Shit," he muttered, looking down at his hands. Slamming the door behind him, he kicked the wall. "Shit!"

.

After running for what seemed like hours, Sasha collapsed, not truly knowing where she was. She hadn't been paying attention. Looking down at her hands, she saw that they were shaking violently, and no matter how much she willed them to stop, they wouldn't. She closed her eyes, tilting her head back against the cool wall. _"Damn him,"_ Sasha whispered to herself, feeling hot tears spilling down her cheeks. _"Damn him."_


	11. Kitchen Duty

"What are you doing sitting down on the job, Sasha? Get your lazy butt off the floor before Corporal Levi comes and kicks your ass into next week!"

Sasha opened her eyes to find Connie standing over her in his casual clothing, wiping off his buzzed head with a towel and grinning. He smelled like soap. She just looked at him, not trusting herself to say anything yet.

"Sash?" His face fell. "What's wrong?"

She hugged her knees, hiding her face. "I think I got myself pretty fucked up, Connie." She groaned. "I'm really, really fucked up."

Connie was sitting next to her in a second, his arm around her shoulder. "You wanna talk about it?" he asked, nudging her cheek. "You know I'm a super good listener. Mostly because I'm too dumb to remember secrets long enough to start rumors." He gave her a big grin, but Sasha only stared at the floor in front of her. "Come on, Sash," he pleaded. "Who's your best friend in the whole world, huh? Bet I can make you feel better."

"I don't want to talk about it," Sasha muttered.

Connie pouted for a moment before he smiled again, squeezing her shoulders. "That's cool too, Sash. I'm here whenever you need a big manly soldier to cry on too."  
"Shut up, Connie," she sniffed, turning and resting her head on his arm. "You're, like, three feet tall."

"'Doesn't mean I don't have manly shoulders."

.

"Braus, Springer, I don't know what you're doing sitting down on the floor, but it certainly doesn't look like you're carrying out your duties."

Erwin Smith looked down at the two of them like God himself. The two soldiers jumped to their feet, Sasha nearly tripping over the towel Connie had accidentally dropped. She was glad that she had stopped crying a long time ago.

Erwin turned to Connie, his eyes calmly regarding the boy's almost desperate salute. "Springer, your horse hasn't been brushed down. We returned three hours ago."

"I was—"

"Go see to it."

"Yes, sir!" Connie bolted, looking like he might piss himself. Once he was safely out of the Commander's danger zone, though, he turned back and smiled broadly at Sasha, giving her a reassuring thumbs-up. She couldn't help but smile back.

"Officer Braus," Erwin said, his voice losing some of its edge, "your face is red."

"I…uh…" Sasha turned away. "It is, Sir," she answered quietly.

"If you want to take some time for yourself, I can send you to the infirmary. There's no one there today."

She shook her head. "That's very kind of you, Sir, but I would much rather keep working, if I can."

The commander raised his eyebrows, obviously surprised that she would pass up a free break. "Are you sure, Braus?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well then," he said, turning and walking off down the hall. "I'm sure kitchen duty will suit you just fine for the rest of the day. How's that sound, soldier?"

Sasha's eyes widened. "Sir?" she asked. Kitchen duty was not only the easiest chore he could have assigned her, but he was ignoring her obvious history of stealing food.

"You heard me, Sasha," Erwin called over her shoulder. If she hadn't known better, Sasha could have sworn he even smiled at her. "Hope to see you back on duty soon."

.

"Braus."

Sasha spun around two hours of potato-peeling later to find Levi standing behind her, a strange dark look in his eyes. She gulped, setting her knife down and standing at attention. "Yes, sir?"

Levi glared at her for a moment more, putting her nerves on edge. She must have done something wrong, though she couldn't remember anything. Maybe, she thought with a sudden numbness, Jean had spoken to him. Would he deem her mentally unfit? Kick her off the squad? Or was he finally going to ask her about…about why…Levi stepped closer, his lips almost on her ear. Though there was no one else in the kitchen, he whispered, "You will come to my office after dinner tonight, understood?"

His voice was low and very serious. Sasha lowered her head. He must know. "Yes, sir," she said obediently. She was just about to turn back to her job when he said her name again: "Braus." She looked back at him cautiously.

"You're not to tell anyone else about your orders. Come alone."

She couldn't help but raise her eyebrows in surprise._ What's he planning to say that has to be kept so secret? _"Yes, corporal," she said solemnly.

Levi held her eyes her for a moment more before he nodded curtly and turned on his heel, walking about of the kitchen. Just as he reached the door, Eren strode in with a massive bag of potatoes in his arms. As the two passed each other, the older man short him a filthy glare.

Eren watched him go, confused. "I wonder what pissed him off today," he muttered to himself, then turned and smiled at Sasha. "I have more potatoes for you, potato girl."

"Damn it, Eren! I told you—"

His laugh cut her off. He looked happier than he had ever been around her before. She forgot her anger at the dumb nickname and smiled back at him as he hefted the sack onto the counter.

"Thanks," she said, and Eren made as if he was going to leave. She turned back to the potatoes, still smiling slightly to herself, and was nearly back into the mechanical motion of her job when she felt his strong arms wrapping around her waist.

"_Eren?"_ she gasped as he buried his face in the side of her neck, inhaling through her hair.

She was so shocked that she didn't even realize that she had accidentally missed the potato skin and cut her thumb with her knife.

"Wh-what are you doing?" she asked breathlessly, trying to get a look at him.

He pushed his head harder against her, keeping her from turning her neck. "You just…smell good. I don't know."

"W-What?" Sasha gasped. "Eren, what are you—?"

"I never realized how much I wanted you until you were gone," he whispered, cutting her off. "I thought you were pretty and all, but you were my friend. It was only until after I thought I'd never see you again that I realized…"

He kissed her neck. Sasha stood frozen in front of him, her heart pounding in her chest.

"How do you feel about me, Sasha? I need to know."

"I…uh…Eren, I…"

There was that feeling again, that undeniable instinct to run away. She tried to push his arms off of her body but he only held her tighter, waiting for her answer.

Her eyes fell to the knife in her hand.

_He could heal,_ she thought, her fingers tightening around the handle.

"Hey, Sasha!"

Eren's hands snapped to his sides and they both spun around, finding Connie standing in the doorway. His eyes were bright and warm, even though Sasha could tell from the way he looked at her that he must have seen Eren with his hands all over her.

"You're not busy, are you?" he asked, cocking his head. "Someone left all the brushes on the top shelf of the tack room. 'Can't reach it." He shrugged. "Think you could help?"

"Yeah." It was like a weight had been lifted off of her back. As she rushed past Eren to the door, she could feel his fierce green eyes on her. The hair on the back of her neck stood up. She pretended not to notice. "Yeah, sure.

"See ya, man." Connie waved to Eren and turned into the corridor, waiting for Sasha to come and walk next to him before he punched her half-jokingly on the arm.

"You looked like you could use a little help back there," he said quietly. Sasha looked over at him and he winked at her. "I can't believe I just admitted I was short for you. You owe me big for that one."

She smiled. At least she could count on Connie. "Thanks."

"Don't worry about it, Sash. I always got your back."

* * *

****Author's note: Because I am very lazy, I never noticed that FF was deleting a lot of my double spaces as I uploaded the chapters before this one (which, by the way, is really crappy) so over the next few days I'll hopefully go back and alter some of those chapters so that they make more sense. Sorry about not catching that before! **

**Also, I believe I may be the only person on the planet to ship Sasha/Eren****


	12. One Candle

The door to Levi's office was dark and imposing, glaring down at Sasha as she stood meekly in front of it. She hesitantly raised her hand and knocked, the deep sound echoing down the empty hallway around her.

_What does he want me to come for, anyway?_ She wondered, biting her lip. Her empty stomach fluttered nervously. _I shouldn't have skipped dinner,_ she thought, though she doubted she could have eaten even if she hadn't. Not with Jean and Eren there, watching her.

They weren't bad people, the two of them. They were good soldiers, and good friends. She couldn't understand why she had been so terrified at the thought of eating with them. They hadn't tried to hurt her. If anything, they had wanted to…

But the thought of it, even after days, still made her feel sick. Every night she dreamt of Reiner, of his hands grinding her skull into the cold floor, of him fucking her like an empty body, someone not even fully alive.

That was if she dreamt at all. Though she would never tell anyone, she hadn't been sleeping. Once, when the squad was away for drills, she had taken her horse and snuck away to a nearby town to buy makeup to cover the new dark circles under her eyes. The people in Dauper never painted their faces, and it made her feel dishonest, but it was better than the alternative—_What's wrong? Why aren't you sleeping? Is it because something happened to you while you were with Bertholdt and Reiner?_

She closed her eyes and grit her teeth. _Fuck him._

"Braus."

Sasha jumped, finding Levi walking towards her. She snapped her arms into a salute.

"I was held up by Hanji," he said casually, stepping past her and unlocking the door. "You haven't been waiting long, have you?"

"No, sir."

His eyes flashed back to her for half a moment before he pushed though the doorway and waved his hand for her to follow. Anxiously, Sasha stepped into the dark room.

"Sit," the corporal commanded quietly, gesturing to a couch in front of his desk. As she perched on the edge of its velvet cushions, Levi closed the door, shrouding the whole room in darkness.

_It's just like…_

"You seem a little on-edge, Braus," he said. From somewhere to her side, a match snapped and a tiny flame fizzed to life. He lit only three candles, placing a candelabrum on his desk and leaning against it. He crossed his arms.

"I'm fine, sir."

"You didn't report to dinner today."

"Sasha looked down at her hands. The dim firelight threw sharp, dancing shadows over everything. Why did he have to keep everything so dark? Candle wax wasn't any sort of luxury. There was no need to conserve it. Levi's eyes drilled into her, the sharp lines around them deepening in the darkness and betraying his age. How old was he, anyway?

Levi sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Do you remember what I asked you when you first woke up here?"

Sasha swallowed, unable to meet his eyes.

"I asked you a question, Braus."

"You asked me if I was afraid of men back then, sir," she muttered.

"That's correct." He watched her like a wolf stalking prey. "Kirschstein spoke to me earlier today. Tell me, Braus, did you skip dinner to avoid seeing him?"  
She was going to cry. She couldn't bear to sit there any longer with his smooth face and old eyes turning her insides to ice. "I…don't…"

Quietly, Levi sighed, then reached behind himself and picked up a loaf of bread. He pushed himself off of the desk and sat down opposite her on the couch.

_What's he doing?_

His eyes lost their cold edge, softening as he looked at her. "Eat," Levi said. "No one wants to see you punishing yourself for things that weren't your fault."

The bread hung between them for a moment as he waited for her to take it. Slowly, cautiously as a wild deer eating from a man's hand, she reached out and took it, feeling its crust warm her fingertips. Still hot. She broke off a piece and nibbled at it, but her hunger suddenly hit her in full force and before she knew it, she was tearing through the loaf with nothing but her teeth. She could still feel Levi watching her, but it no longer seemed to matter.

"Sasha," he whispered as she finished, wiping the crumbs from her lips with the back of her hand. She turned to stare at him. He had never addressed her by her first name before. "Why are you crying?"

"I'm…not," she said confused.

He reached out and brushed his thumb along her cheek, holding his hand between them so that she could see the firelight dancing upside-down in a tiny droplet of water.

Her breath caught in her throat. _Did he just…_

"You're acting like you're alright, Sasha, but if you keep trying to hide what you're really feeling you're going to break down." His eyes shone in the firelight, staring straight into her. For the first time, she didn't want to look away. "What those two did to you was evil. They're fucking scum. But, you need to know that not all men are like that. You saw the worst of us first."

It must be an illusion of the light—it seemed like he was moving closer to her. A breath of summer wind blew in through the cracked window, making two of the candles flicker and die. It was suddenly so dark that she could only see his silhouette, her eyes struggling to adjust to the low light. Was he really nearer?

His fingers brushed over her hand. She flinched.

"Please. We're not all like those bastards. You have to understand that."

"Corporal, what are you…"

"Are you scared of me right now?" he asked quietly.

"No," she said automatically. Why should she be scared? "I just don't understand what you're doing, sir."

Suddenly she felt his breath on her chin and, before she could realize what was happening, his lips on hers.

Sasha yelped and jerked her head backward, her back thumping against the arm rest of the seat. Her eyes slowly growing used to the darkness, she saw Levi sitting calmly, his gaze never shifting from her own. "What was that?!"

He paused a moment before leaning towards her and saying, "I want to help you feel better about this."

"S-Sir…"

He found her hand again and raised it to his lips, brushing them lightly over her skin. "I'm sorry," he murmured, "I should have asked you first. It probably caught you off-guard." He shook his head. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I don't understand," she said again. It was so confusing—Levi couldn't have feelings for her. He barely knew her as anything other than a soldier, a name on a list, a body to throw at the enemy. So why was he touching her hand so softly, looking at her like he truly cared for her. Why had he…_Did he really kiss me just now?_ Unconsciously, Sasha touched her lips.

"You're very good at covering up what you feel for someone so young," Levi said, reaching out and caressing her cheek with fingers light as air. She didn't know what to do. "But you're really scared, aren't you?"

She shook her head, though she never felt his hand leave her cheek. "I don't have anything to be afraid of."

Levi's face was inches from hers. "That doesn't mean you that you're not afraid."

She looked away from him at the candle burning feebly on his desk. "I…don't know what's wrong with me," she whispered.

"I want to try to make you see the better side of men, Sasha," Levi murmured. The candle flickered. "But before I do that, I need you to let me."

_When did this happen?_ she asked herself, turning her eyes back towards him. _Why's he doing_

_this?_ He watched her intently. She could see herself reflected in his blue eyes.

Silently, slowly, she nodded.

Levi leaned in again, touching her chin, tilting her head gently to the side and touching his lips to hers. This time, she did not pull away. Instead, she closed her eyes and willed herself to trust him. Hands shaking slightly, she wrapped her arms around his neck.

His lips were soft. He knew what he was doing, and he was making her shiver with excited warmth. She remembered that feeling. Though kissing him still made her nervous, she couldn't deny—it felt good.

He softly sucked her bottom lip between his, making Sasha's heart beat faster. He leaned over her body, but didn't touch her, keeping his hands on the armrest behind her head and his legs on the couch.

_He's not…trying to touch me?_ she wondered. Was he really just trying to kiss her?

The corporal broke away, his eyes fixed on her. Her lips seemed suddenly empty. "How are you feeling, Sasha?"

"I…feel fine," she said breathlessly.

"Good." He gave her another slow kiss. "Will you let me go farther?"  
"Farther?" She asked.

He leaned into her, his breath tickling her ears. "I can kiss you…somewhere else. How would you feel about that?"

Sasha's heart flipped. Levi sat back and watched her and she struggled to process what he'd just said.

"You can say no," he offered.

_I can say no…_She turned the idea over in her mind. The last person who had touched her there was…Reiner. She bit her lip. "Why…would you do that?" the asked in a whisper.

"I want to show you what it feels like to receive pleasure from someone who cares about you." His eyes were locked on hers, his black hair catching the candle light. He tilted his head slightly to the side, asking her what she would have him do.

_Humanity's strongest cares…about me?_

"I guess you could," she breathed. "If you think it would make me feel better."

The corporal pecked her quickly on the cheek. "I'll go slowly," he promised in a low voice, then reached down and undid the button of her pants, slipping his hand in to massage her warmth through her panties. Sasha winced as if he had shocked her.

"Are you sure about this, Sasha? You don't have to force yourself into anything."

She looked up at him and nodded. "I'm fine."

Levi pulled her trousers and panties down, exposing her pussy to the cool night air from outside. Avoiding the bruises that hadn't yet healed, he lowered his head and blew lightly on her, making Sasha bite her lip.

Her body was on edge. Every muscle was tense.

_Look at his face,_ she told herself. He was Levi. Not Reiner. She focused on his black hair, on his pale skin. He was a different person from the one that had hurt her.

But still, she couldn't relax.

Sasha gasped as he licked her sex, his tongue entering her for a moment before he worked his way up for her most sensitive spot. His dark eyes flashed up to her, red with desire as he kissed her clit, gently sucking on it. She moaned, unconsciously tangling her fingers into his hair. His tongue twisted around it, making Sasha's legs shiver and tighten around his shoulders.

"You're g-good at this," she managed.

Levi pulled back and looked at her, wiping moisture from his chin with the back of his hand. "I'm older than you. I've got some more…experience."

He sucked her pleasure spot again, trailing one hand down the inside of her thigh and slowly pushing two fingers into her.

"Ah…hah…" she panted. She let her head fall back as he licked and kissed and sucked, feeling her arousal building up like water behind a dam. But nothing happened. Her body seemed to give up on her before she was finished.

A few moments passed, then Sasha pulled her hand away from his head. Levi glanced back up at her, wondering what was wrong. "S-Stop it, sir" she said quietly. "There's no point. I'm not going to."

"Yes, you are," he murmured, turning and softly kissing the inside of her leg. "Relax, Sasha. You're too nervous."

"Corporal—"

"Does it feel good?" he interrupted, reaching out and taking her hand. "Focus on what you're feeling right now—is it bad?"

She was silent for a moment. "It…it does feel good."  
"Then concentrate on that feeling. That pleasure. That's what being with a person is about." He thrust his fingers deep inside her and sucked on the skin of her thigh. She moaned, throwing her head back. "I'll stay up all night if I have to," he whispered.

Sasha closed her eyes as he moved faster, pushing his fingers in and out of her until he found the right spot, stroking her leg with his other hand as she whimpered, her whole body tingling with…pleasure. That was pleasure. She had almost forgotten what it was like. "Hah—keep doing that!" She hissed, gritting her teeth to keep herself from shouting.

Levi smirked. He stroked her faster and faster, making Sasha pant and dig her nails into the cushions of the couch before he turned his head and flicked her clit with his tongue. "Ah…" Sasha whimpered, the sensation almost too much for her. He twisted his tongue around her most sensitive spot. She bit her lip so hard she thought she would bleed. "L-Levi…" Every nerve on edge, she arched her back, feeling like she was going to explode. "Levi!"

With a final thrust of his fingers, Sasha's control snapped. Panting, she felt all of her muscles relaxing at once, a sweet warmth spreading through her body as she slumped on the couch. Levi kissed her one last time and then sat back, pulling Sasha up and wrapping his arms around her. His hand resting on her hair; he held her head to her shoulder.

_Who would ever have guessed,_ she wondered to herself, burying her face in his crisp white shirt as he stroked her hair,_ that the corporal could act like this?_


	13. To Sleep Though the Night

Another warm breeze blew through the window, bringing with it far-off laughter and the sound of someone locking up the stables. The last of the squad was turning on for the night, their voices drifting through the air to the two of them hidden in Levi's dark office—"G'night!" "See you tomorrow!"

"Are you tired, Sasha?" he asked, looking down at her.

She was, and for the first time in days, she knew what she would be able to fall asleep. But, with the corporal's arms around her, Sasha was happy. She didn't want to go back to her own room just yet.

Outside, doors slammed shut, leaving the air ringing with heavy nighttime silence. Levi slowly let go of her, muttering, "Come on, get up."

Sasha groaned quietly. She didn't want him to make her leave. _Tomorrow he'll probably act like nothing even happened,_ she thought, silently tugging on his shirt to keep him from standing up just yet.

"Brat," the corporal whispered, moving his arms under her and picking her up.

"Wait! I…don't have my…" Sasha blushed, looking down to her pants and underwear, still sitting on the cushions.

"'Doesn't matter," he said. For a second, Sasha was mortified. _He can't really be meaning to carry me back to the barracks half naked!_ She stared at him.

Glancing down, Levi raised an eyebrow. "I don't know what you're so worried about. My quarters connect directly to the office."

"Your…quarters?" she repeated, confused.

He carried her through a door hidden in the wall behind his desk, into a room lit by the dim starlight streaming in through a window bigger than she was tall. In the distance, she could see Garrison posts high up on Wall Rose glowing with the light of fires, making it look like someone had strung candles across the horizon.

Levi set her down on the bed and reached into a nearby closet, handing her a neatly folded shirt. "You can wear this if you want."

"You don't want me to sleep in my own room?" she asked as he pulled out clothes for himself and turned towards the door.

"You can if you want to," he said, stopping and turning back to face her. "It seemed like you were comfortable though, and besides, I have the feeling that you'll sleep better here than you have been lately."

"How did you know that I haven't been sleeping?" Sasha asked quietly, running her hands over the smooth sheets of his bed. It was large enough for two people—rare, in the military—and so soft. "I thought I was covering it up pretty well," she muttered.

Levi stepped towards her and took her chin in his hand, running his thumb across the skin under her eye. "I know what it looks like when women wear makeup," he said, holding it out so that she could see the flesh-tinted powder on his skin. " Besides, you touched your eyes so much while wearing it that anyone could have guessed." He nodded toward the shirt in her hands. "I'll be back in five minutes. I won't make you change in front of me or anything."

As he turned and walked out, Sasha felt herself blush slightly. _He noticed something as small as that? No way._ She shrugged her jacket off of her shoulders and was about to fold it when the Survey Corps emblem caught her eye.

_When did that happen?_ She wondered absently, running her fingers over a ragged tear stretching across the wings.

.

His shirt stretched half way down her thighs. Soon after she was dressed, Levi came in and pulled the curtains over the window before getting into the bed. He nodded to space next to him, an invitation. "Do you feel any better, Sasha?"

She slid under the covers and pressed her cheek against his shoulder. "I feel like I can sleep for the first time in days."

Levi nodded, brushing her bangs back to look at her face. "Good. I'm glad."

"Hey, sir—" she started quietly, closing her eyes and relaxing into the soft pillows.

"Levi," he whispered, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her back into the warmth of his body. "When we're alone, you can call me Levi."

"Levi." She could feel his breath on her neck, steady and slow. "Thank you."

He was quiet for a moment. "Sasha, I need you to understand that the reason I did this was to show you that being with a man can be a good thing. It wasn't to make you mine. I wouldn't take advantage of the situation like that."

"What are you talking about?" she asked tiredly.

He tightened his arms around her, kissing the back of her neck. "Being with me," he paused, as if looking for the right word, "_exclusively,_ would be hard for you. With your age and rank, the higher ups would kick you out of the survey corps for having a relationship with me. There are rules about that kind of thing. We would have to sneak around, keep it in the dark. We would probably only be able to see each other at night, and go weeks between meeting." Levi found her hand and laced his fingers through hers. "I mean to tell you that what I did tonight wasn't to make you fall in love with me, Sasha. It was to teach you that if you let people, they can make you happy. I'm here, if you want it to be me. But I won't hold you to anything. Who you're with is up to you."

"You're saying…that you don't mind if I sleep with other people?" she asked, sure she had misunderstood.

"I want you to be happy, no matter who it's with."

"Why?"

The corporal sighed, his breath rushing over her shoulders. "Because you're a member of my squad," he said, stroking her hand with his thumb. "And because what you did for Historia…was braver than anything I've ever seen. You had so many opportunities to get out. You could have run off in the woods, pulled the wig off, pointed out the real Historia to Ymir's Titan…But you didn't. You sacrificed your life completely for someone else. For that, you deserve to be fucking happy. You so goddamn much better than you got."

She was quiet for a long time. "Thank you, Levi."

He pressed his lips against her skin. "Sleep well, Sasha."

.

She woke up to yellow sunlight streaming in through the window, stabbing at her eyes like needles. She groaned and pulled the covers up over her face, wishing it would go away. She could have slept for hours more.

"Stop being lazy. Breakfast is in an hour."

She tentatively opened her eyes and saw Levi standing there, already dressed and in his maneuver gear straps, tying his cravat carefully. She stared at him for a moment, unsure of what to say. _Is he going to pretend it didn't happen?_

After a second, though, his eyes softened and he was almost smiling at her. "You look better. How did you sleep?"

Sasha grinned drowsily. "Better than ever," she said, stretching and pushing herself out of the blankets.

Levi nodded towards the foot of the bed, where a fresh uniform was folded, crisp and clean, next to her gear. "You're lucky we have enough rooms for everyone to have their own, otherwise getting your clothes would have been much harder." He paused, watching as she quickly pulled on her trousers. "I'm putting you back on active duty, Sasha."

"You're…" Suddenly she was completely awake. "Are you serious?" she asked, almost unable to contain herself. "When? Soon?"

He picked up her maneuver gear straps, holding them out for her. "How does today sound?"

* * *

****Author's Note: The previous chapters have all been edited and make much more sense now as far as timing goes. Thank you guys for being so great in your feedback! You're all great people and I love you lots. Also, I would like to dedicate this chapter to AOT-sasha who has been subtly shipping Levi and Sasha in the reviews since literally the first chapter.****


	14. Unique Talents

"As you might know, the mission yesterday was only the first step," Hanji said happily, leading Sasha through the maze of chairs in the mess hall until the squad leader found an empty pair. She sat down and leaned in conspiratorially. "Personally I'm glad you're back, because I was really counting on your skills for this one."

"Skills?" Sasha asked, her mouth full. _Do I even have any skills?_

"You know," Hanji mimed shooting an arrow, "your archery. We're planning on revamping the titan capture system in the Forest of Giant Trees—complete overhaul. The last one was fantastic, you know, but Annie's titan practically wrecked it." She heaved a dramatic sigh. "Armin's been helping me figure out the basic designs for the new one, but I was hoping you could help us out. I'm pretty darn sure no one besides you has ever gone up against a titan with nothing but a bow and arrow."

Sasha blushed slightly. "It wasn't that special. I'm sure anyone from Dauper coulda' done it."

"Well it's good luck that you're from Dauper then!" Hanji said happily. "You'll be on my squad with Armin and Eren, and Levi's going to have the others in a defense group at the edge of the forest to keep us safe. We're not really expecting anything too tough once we're inside, but that's what Eren's for. I guess you could call it…emergency precautions."

Sasha nodded, looking over her shoulder at the table where most of the boys were sitting. She hadn't seen Eren since he had found her in the kitchen the day before. "Hopefully you'll help me get some more test subjects before too long." Hanji said, smiling mischeviously. "I'm still itching to catch an aberrant."

Sasha turned back to the squad leader. "When do we leave?"

.

"There's only a few of us so stay in your god damn places!" Levi shouted over the sound of horses' hooves on the unkept path. "That fucking means you, Springer."

Sasha was in the middle of the formation again, though she guessed it was more out of guilt than her actual worth to the mission. Hanji still felt bad. _Whatever, _She thought to herself,_ at least I'm safe this time._

Two other squads had joined them for protection, but they were from the western districts and Sasha didn't know any of the soldiers. Connie had been stationed in the middle of their ranks, and even though he had been trying to move his horse next to hers for the past hour, there was always someone in the way.

That didn't mean they couldn't talk, though.

Connie pointed to Sasha and tapped the handle of his sword, giving her a thumbs-up. _Glad you're fighting again._

She smiled, raising one arm and kissing her bicep. _Cause I'm so damn strong, duh._

The Forest of Giant Trees rose up to meet them, wind rushing like ragged breath through its needled branches.

"Get into your formations!" Levi shouted over the rumble of the horses. Immediately the defense squads split from the group, leaving her alone with Hanji, Armin and Eren. Glancing back to make sure they were all there, Hanji flicked her reins and rode into the trees.

Sasha turned in her saddle to wave to Connie, but instead of him she saw Jean riding after Levi. His eyes flashed towards her. For half of a second, they stared at each other.

_I want to know how you feel._

She looked away quickly, turning back towards the path. Behind her, she heard his horse running off.

_What would I have done, if it had happened today?_ She wondered to herself. _Would I still have been afraid?_

"Sasha!"

She looked up just in time to see a low branch rushing towards her and ducked, narrowly avoiding being hit in the face. "Thanks," she said, feeling her face grow hot. She should be paying attention.

Eren smiled at her. "Don't mention it."

Instead of comforting her, his smile only made her blush redder. She remembered what he had said yesterday, too.

She leaned over towards him. "Hey, Eren—"

"We're here!" Hanji sang, pulling her horse to a stop and leaping to the ground. The squad leader threw her arms open, holding her palms out to the destroyed titan capture machines. "Armin, pull out the plans. Eren, get up in the trees and keep your eye out for anything that shouldn't be here."

He glanced at Sasha for a moment before adjusting his maneuver gear and flying up into the canopy.

_Ah…dammit,_ she thought to herself, sliding off of her horse and tying the reins to a branch. She ran over to where Hanji and Armin had rolled out a set of blueprints in the middle of the path. "What should I do?" she asked.

"Well," Armin said, sitting down on the ground and pulling out a piece of chalk. "We're looking at a design pretty similar to a crossbow, firing from three separate points—here," he tapped the paper. "It needs to be able to immobilize a titan without hitting its neck. We're just looking to get the most compromising shot without killing it. Only, I've never really used a weapon like that. I don't know how it'll behave." He looked up at Sasha, holding out the chalk for her. "Can you help us out with that?"

"Yeah," she said, gingerly taking it and sitting down next to him. Quietly, Sasha smiled to herself. Someone finally needed her to do something that only she could. "Yeah, I can."

Hours passed. Every once in a while, someone from the defense group would come in, talking quickly with Hanji and then flying off between the branches above. The shadows on the forest floor deepened, growing darker and darker until Armin lit a candle, sitting silently beside her as she traced lines all over the blueprints, looking up all around her, judging distances with her thumb and squinted eye. They spoke in quiet voices, only when they had to. That was something Sasha had always liked about Armin. He only talked when he had something to say.

After the sunlight had begun to turn orange and red, Hanji tapped her shoulder. "Thanks Sasha," she said, her voice sweet but tired. "We'll stay here for a few more minutes so Armin and I can figure out the calculations, then head out." Sasha stood up, nodding as she slapped dirt from her trousers. The squad leader pulled out a compass and waved her off. "You can go hang out with Eren if you want. I doubt ballistic trajectory formulae are your kind of entertainment."

"I don't think…"she trailed off. Armin looked up at her_. Shit,_ she thought, _He'll say something if I start acting weird_._ Damn it._ "Thanks," Sasha said quickly, trying to make give Hanji a convincing smile.

She aimed her gear up into the high branches, her body jerking as the cables pulled her up into the canopy. _Where is he?_ She wondered, seeing nothing but leaves swaying gently around her. There was no sign of him anywhere.

Sasha found a branch twice as thick as her body and sat down, leaning her back against the trunk. So high above the ground, the needle-leaves of the giant evergreens were above and below her, making it feel like she was floating in a cloud of green. Dying sunlight filtered though in patches, leaving patterns dancing across her skin like she was underwater. She let her eyelids drift shut. The wind brushed her hair in and out of her face.

_This is…peaceful_.

"Sasha?"

She felt the branch bend and opened her eyes to find Eren kneeling next to her, watching her curiously.

"Hey," she said. "I'm done for now. They're doing Armin and Hanji stuff."

He laughed slightly, kicking his legs over the edge of the bough and sitting down, his shoulder just barely touching hers. "I never got it either," he said, looking towards the setting sun. "It's kind of crazy, how smart he is. Even when we were kids, he understood things I never got. I wish I had half the brain he does."

"Hey Eren, about what you asked me yesterday…" she started.

His eyes flashed to her, looking anxious for her answer. Before she could say anything, though, she heard the whir of 3D-maneuver gear behind her and turned to see one of the western squad soldiers land in the branches of a tree across from her.

"We've got a problem," the man said, pointing back towards the entrance of the forest. "Get Squad Leader Hanji and move towards the edge—we have to go."

Sasha glanced back at Eren, finding him staring at her, still wanting to know. It would have to wait. "Yes, sir!" she said to the soldier, then shot her gear and swung down out of the branches.

"Hanji!" she shouted, hitting the ground too hard and knocking herself off-balance. "Change of plans—we've got to head out now!"

The squad leader's eyes shot up. "Oh no," she said quietly, before ordering them all onto their horses. "Ride as fast as you can!" She shouted, gathering up the blueprints and stuffing them into a saddlebag. "And keep your weapons out!"

The darkening forest rushed by in a blur as the four of them rode to the edge of the woods. Even before the trees ended, however, they could already see something was wrong. Everywhere, the ground was splattered with blood.

_No!_ Sasha thought frantically, looking around frantically. There was no one in sight. "Where are they?"

The squad leader turned around in her saddle, trying to find the others. She was fighting to keep herself together for the others sake, but Sasha could tell she was about to panic. "I…I don't—"

"Hanji!" someone shouted from above. She looked up and found the squads hanging from the branches above them. All four of them heaved a sigh of relief, and one by one, the soldiers descended from the trees.

"Everyone's fine," Levi said, rushing over to Hanji's horse to fill her in. "But your little buddies stepped on five or six of the goddamn horses while they were trying to get to us. We need to get out before they trap us here."  
"You're too harsh, Levi. I'm sure they didn't mean it," Hanji said half-jokingly, though she couldn't hide how happy she was that no one had died. "Whose horses?"

"Just Mikasa's and Historia's from my squad. We actually got off pretty easy."

Hanji nodded, then turned back to her group. "Looks like we're gonna need two horses," she said. "Anyone willing to share?"

Sasha saw Eren move out of the corner of her eyes, and when she looked over, found that he had raised his hand. "I'll give my horse to Mikasa," he offered, sliding off his saddle and handing the reins to Levi. "She shouldn't have to share with anyone. It wouldn't leave enough room for her to move around if she needed to fight. I'll share with Sasha."

Levi's eyes narrowed, but he said nothing, taking the horse leading it away. As he passed her, Sasha felt him brush his fingers across her hand.

_I want you to be happy, no matter who it's with._

She swallowed.

"All right!" Levi shouted, handing Eren's horse to Mikasa and climbing onto his own. "Sun's down and it looks like the titans are running out of juice for today. Go quickly and hold the formation. Now, _Move out!"_

The air was filled with the rumble of horses running as the squad members shouted and cracked their reins. Eren ran over to her. "You don't mind, do you?" he shouted over the noise. She shook her head and he pulled himself into her saddle. With a jab of her heel, her horse leapt into a gallop.

As they neared the end of the path, they saw the titans that the squad had talked about. They were all over the ground, bent and laying in odd positions, like they had just fallen where they stood. A few groaned and tried to grab at the riders, but Levi was right—they were out. Soon the squads had cleared them and were moving across empty grassland.

The darkness outside of the wall was absolute. The moon had not yet risen, and the starlight was so weak that she could just barely see the outline of the soldier in front of her.

"Damn, how are we supposed to keep formation if we can't see anything?" She muttered, her hands tightening on the reins. "Half of us are going to get lost at this rate."

Eren shrugged, his arms rubbing against hers. He was so close. "Levi knows what he's doing," He said, his breath tickling her ear. Sasha felt chills run up her spine.

She tried to focus on the lights of the wall in the distance, but Eren wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her back into him. She could feel his hips thrusting in time with the horse, matching the rhythm of its gallop to keep him balanced. _Damn,_ Sasha thought, feeling the warmth radiating from his body. "E-Eren, what are you doing?" She whispered, unable to keep her voice from shaking slightly.

"Just keeping myself from falling," he said, a note of hunger in his voice. "Unless you don't want me to."  
"I—ah!" Sasha gasped as he trailed his hand upwards, cupping one of her breasts. She could feel his chest pressing into her back. She felt butterflies in her stomach. "It is dark," she said, closing her eyes and feeling his hips pushing against her. "No one can see."

Eren kissed her neck. "I was hoping you'd say that."

He unbuttoned her shirt, slipped his hand under her bra, his fingers nearly burning her skin in the cool night air. With his other hand, he grabbed her waist, holding her hips against his as he ground his hips against her ass. Sasha bit her lip to stifle a moan, having to try her hardest not to lose the group.

He found her nipple and gently pinched it, squeezing the sensitive nub as he dragged his teeth along the soft skin of her neck. Sasha shivered and arched her back. "Don't forget about the horse," he teased, nibbling on her earlobe as she realized that she had almost dropped the reins.

"Damn it, Eren," she muttered, struggling not to make noise. She felt tingling arousal rushing between her legs as her cunt rubbed against the saddle. "I can't—"

His hand drifted down towards her thighs. "Don't worry," he whispered against her skin. "I'm going to fuck you when we get back. You can count on that." He bit her lightly and reached down between her legs.

"A-ah…"

"We have to be quiet," he warned, stroking her though the fabric of her pants. Sasha could barely keep her eyes open. She there was another soldier not twenty feet away from them, completely oblivious in the darkness. It was like they were completely alone.

She could feel him growing hard as he bucked his hips against her ass, winding her up even more. She ground her body against it, making Eren's breath hitch. He growled and pulled her tighter against himself, rubbing his fingers over her clit as he sloppily kissed her collarbone.

Soon, the lights on Rose were close enough to shine on their path. Eren slowly drew his hands back, putting them safely around her waist. A few of the soldiers must have noticed them, she knew, but no one said anything.

Sasha looked back towards the wilderness that humanity used to own, but instead she saw Jean riding several meters back from her. His jaw was set. He wouldn't meet her eyes.

Her heart sank, realizing that he must have seen everything. _Will he hate me now?_

In the distance, she could hear the giant gears within the wall groaning as the gate began to open for them. When he thought no one was looking, Eren pulled her tighter against himself.

.

As soon as her horse was away, he grabbed her hand and led her towards the barracks. In no time, he had shut the door of his room and pulled her body into his, leaning back against a wall. Sasha shrugged off her jacket and kissed him as he started to unbuckle her gear, quickly letting the leather straps fall on the floor. He sucked her bottom lip into his mouth and brought his hands up to her face, cupping her cheek as he gently ran his tongue along her lip. Sasha smiled and deepened the kiss, pressing her chest against his as she parted her lips and invited him in. She felt like her whole body was on fire.

She found the hem of his shirt and lifted it over his head, slowly dragging her palms along the smooth lines of his muscles. Eren's breath caught in his throat. She could feel his dick straining against his trousers. After a moment, she reached down and ran her hands up the inside of his thigh.

"Sasha," he groaned felt him buck his hips against her hand. She smiled, surprised that she could make him so weak for her, and inched her fingers closer, making him close his eyes and grit his teeth.

His eyes clouded by arousal, he reached up and started undoing the buttons of her shirt, soon throwing it down on the floor. His tongue found hers again. He dragged his hands all the way down her back, tracing the line of her spine until he put his hands on her butt and pulled her into him, grinding their hips together. She could feel his erection rubbing against her slit. Sasha moaned into his lips. She could feel him smile.

Without warning, Eren suddenly reached down and picked her up, carrying her over to his bed. Sasha wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down on top of her. She bit his lip playfully. He fumbled with the button of her pants then kissed her as he pushed his own down, his erection pressing against her opening.  
"Ah.._fuck,"_ he hissed as she slowly stretched around him. Sasha moaned, her fingers leaving red scratches on his back as she clung onto him. He kissed her neck, beginning to rock his hips and push himself into her. "God, you're so hot," he whispered.

Sasha wrapped her legs around Eren, pulling him deeper. She bit her lip but couldn't keep quiet. _Oh god—he's thick._ He started to thrust faster, his dick pumping in and out of her sex. She raised her hips, matching his pace, but it wasn't enough.

Sasha rolled over on top of Eren and pinned him down, her hand lingering on his smooth abdomen as she pressed her lips against his and rode him. "A-ah…" She moaned, her clit rubbing against his hot skin. Her nerves were on fire, her whole body tingling.

"Fuck, Sasha!" Eren panted, his rough hands running up her body, squeezing and playing with her breasts as she moved her hips faster and faster.

"Eren!" She gasped as he leaned up and kissed her nipple. "I-I can't…" It was too much. Sasha's sex tightened around him as she came, arching her back and closing her eyes as pleasure drowned her mind.

Before she could think, he had flipped her onto her back, licking her belly as he pounded into her with everything he had. "F-fuck, Sasha, you're so…ahh" His eyes fluttered closed in ecstasy. He slumped on top of her as Sasha felt his warmth spreading inside her.

Eren rolled onto the bed beside her, putting an arm around her waist. He reached up and brushed her hair out of her eyes, smiling at her rink cheeks. "Damn, Sasha. I'm so happy you're better."

"Better?" she asked, resting her head against his shoulder as he pulled the blankets over the two of them.

"Yeah, better." Eren said. His hand found hers under the covers, his fingers lacing through hers as he closed his eyes. "You were afraid, when I found you yesterday. I could tell. And I'm sorry, for freaking you out." He kissed her cheek lightly, hugging her tighter against himself. "I don't know what happened, but I'm happy you're feeling better."

After a moment, Sasha relaxed into his embrace. _God, I'm tired_. "Yeah, Eren. me too." She let her own eyes drift shut. "I'm happy for it too."

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****Author's note: I was going to cut this scene and put it out as a separate one-shot but _apparently you guys really wanted some_ _eren/sasha? _**

**Thank you all for the great reviews! I love all of you and I'm really glad that I could write something you enjoyed. Besitos pa' todos ustedes****


	15. Arrow through the Eye

****Author's Note:T****his story hit 5000+ views this weekend! I' really proud to have written something that people like this much, and thank you!**

**This chapter contains the following potential triggers: Brief descriptions of gore, references to rape********

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"Dude, I know you're lying. He wouldn't put you back on active duty just _cause."_

"You're only saying that 'cause you know that if you got beat up, you would be out twice as long," Sasha teased, punching Connie in the shoulder as they sat down for dinner. He had been asking her how she had convinced Levi to let her back since breakfast, and she had been avoiding the answer ever since. Sasha shrugged. She trusted Connie with her life, but there were some things he didn't need to know.

He stuck his tongue out at her, though. Connie may not have been good at battle strategy or military theory, but he could read people like no one else. "You're dodging my question!"

"I'm just stronger than you," she said, casually tearing off a piece of her bread and flicking it at him. "You simply can't accept it."

Connie huffed. "That's such crap. I'm basically male Mikasa and you know it." She laughed, and it made him smile. "You look happier," he said, lowering his voice. "I'm glad."

"Thanks, man." She smiled. "I feel better."  
"Which brings me back to the question—"

"Hey, was this here when we sat down?"

"Huh?" Connie asked, leaning over the table as Sasha pulled a folded piece of paper out from under her tray. "What's that?"

"I dunno," she said curiously, looking around the room. "I don't remember seeing it."

Connie raised his eyebrows. "What's it say?"

She unfolded it carefully and looked it over. "This is weird," she muttered, her eyes flying across the paper.

"Sash! What does it say?"

"It's from Hanji," Sasha said, holding out the note for him to read. "Look at this. 'Says she wants to try out an archery squad."

"No way." He took the paper and flipped it open, reading aloud to himself: "'…to explore the option of using archers equipped with Three-Dimensional Maneuver Gear to distract titans and better ensure the protection of regular attack squads…'" his eyes lit up. "That would be awesome, Sasha!"

"I don't get it," she said taking it back and scanning it again. "I saw Hanji yesterday. You would think she would have just brought it up then."

"You could start your own squad! Damn, that's so cool!"

Sasha shrugged, putting it in her back pocket. "I guess." She stood up, picking up her tray and looking around again. Hanji wasn't in the mess hall at all. "It's weird, though."

_Yeah, it's really fucking weird._

She stood at the edge of a small stand of pine trees that grew near the Survey Corps headquarters. There was a path, but with only a half-moon to light her way, she may as well have been walking into wild forest. Her hand tightened around her bow, the wood groaning. She had been keeping it in a case under her bed for three years, only taking it out to practice when no one was around. It was in bad shape, though; the wood was going brittle from being left still for so long.

_I couldn't hit the side of a barn with this,_ she thought to herself.

Sighing, she pushed aside a low branch and stepped into the inky shadows of the trees, her eyes quickly adjusting to the light. It was just like hunting, walking alone like this, letting her instincts take over. Almost without thinking, she made no sound as she crept along the path, listening to the gentle hum and rustle of songbirds flitting back to their nests as foxes and owls woke and began to move.

The note had said that Hanji would meet her about five hundred meters in. Five hundred meters soon came and passed, and Sasha still saw nothing. There were no lights, no targets…no one.  
A cold shiver passed through her body. _Where is she?_

Silently, Sasha drew an arrow from the quiver on her back and knocked it, her eyes darting all over the forest.

Something was moving in the trees in front of her.

_Too loud, two legs._

_A person._

_Too big._

_Not Hanji._

"Sasha?"

_That voice._

Moving so fast that she didn't have time to breathe, she yanked her arrow back and shot him in the heart. He dodged, and it pierced his shoulder instead, pinning his body to the tree behind him. "Hey!" he yelled, his blood running in a river down his arm.

She would not stop.

She finally had him.

_Reiner._

"I'll kill you," Sasha hissed, her teeth grinding against each other as she aimed again. He said nothing, looking down at the blood dripping from his fingers. _"Did you fucking hear me?!"_ She demanded, shooting him through the other arm. _"I'll fucking kill you!"_

"Sasha! Wait—!"

"_Shut up!"_ Her blood was rushing through her ears, her pulse pounding out a vicious beat as she drew three more arrows, shooting him through his belly, though his leg, though his right lung. Reiner coughed, spitting blood onto the dead leaves below him. Her entire body shivered with wild rage. "I'll fucking kill you, you filthy fucking son of a whore."

"Sasha," he said, looking at her like a beaten animal. "Please, I just want to talk."

"Fuck you!" She pulled her bow back again, her last shot aimed straight at his head. She didn't know how much abuse a titan shifter could take, but he wouldn't live with her arrow through his brain, that was certain. And she would not miss. "You're going to burn in hell, Reiner."

He turned and coughed again, more blood adding to the dark patches on his shirt. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, nearly drowned out by the noise of the forest and of her own heartbeat. "I'm so sorry."

"Fuck you!" she shouted, her grip so tight on her bow that her knuckles turned white. "Fuck your bullshit apology! I don't need it!"

"Sasha, listen to me," he pleaded. His body was limp, nearly hanging from the arrows stuck in the tree. _Why isn't he pulling them out?_ Sasha wondered, knowing that he could. She was expecting him to struggle. She needed him to. She couldn't kill him if he didn't fight for himself.

"Hear me out, please," he said, bowing his head. "You can't possibly believe how sorry I am for what happened…for what I did to you. I can't believe myself. I hate myself, Sasha."

"I don't care," she whispered, trying to keep her hands from shaking. She hadn't even seen his face since then. It took her back. Her throat was dry. She couldn't breathe. "Just shut the fuck up and die, Reiner." She drew her bowstring back again.

"I'm losing my mind, Sasha." He raised his face, the moonlight throwing sharp shadows across his face. "Look at me! I haven't slept in days! I can't tell which side I even want to be on any more. You were my friend…and I…"

She had one arrow left. She should shoot him through the eye. She should stick pieces of his brain to the tree behind him.

She crept closer despite her shaking hands and pounding heart, looking at his face. There were dark shadows spreading like bruises under his bloodshot eyes, and his skin looked little more than gray. He was not lying.

"I had to talk to you. I need you to know how much I wish I hadn't done it. You didn't deserve it—nobody would—but especially not you. You've always been such a good friend to us, and I—"

Sasha's hand tightened on her bow. She hated Reiner. Hated him.

But he was pathetic, and she didn't want to kill him.

"If you're looking for forgiveness, Reiner, you may as well leave." She stepped closer to him, lowering her bow and slinging it over her shoulder. "There's no point."

He bowed his head sadly. "I know."

"Then get lost." She stepped up to him and yanked the arrows out one by one, her face blank as she felt the vibrations of his flesh tearing around the arrowheads traveling through their shafts. He roared in pain, and she wondered if this was what it was like, when she had screamed back then. Saving the one in his chest for last, she looked straight into his red eyes. "If you ever do that to another person again, Reiner, I will cut your genitals off and feed them to you." She pulled the arrow out as slowly as he could, watching with hollow eyes as more blood bubbled from his throat. "I will destroy you so completely that you'll wish you had never been born into this world. Do you understand me?"

With a flick and an arc of blood, she had the arrow at her side. He fell to the ground, holding his wounds. "I'm so sorry, Sasha," he whispered.

"_I said get fucking lost!"_ she shouted, kicking him in the face. "Go or I'll change my goddamn mind!"

Reiner shakily pulled himself to his feet. He looked as if he was about so say something more, but Sasha hit him in the stomach with the end of her bow before he could. She was done listening to him. "Leave!"

He stared at her for a moment, then nodded and turned towards the woods. She listened until she could not hear his heavy footsteps any longer, then dropped her bow to the ground and sunk to her knees, holding her head in her hands.

"Damn it," she whimpered, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes until it hurt.

"You didn't kill him."

Her head snapped up in surprise, though she already knew who it must be. She stared at the scuffs and scratches on his boots as he stood in front of her.

Saying nothing, she covered her face again.

"You let him go." He slowly took a step closer to her. She didn't move.

"Leave me alone, Bertholdt."

"Why didn't you kill him?"

"Because I'm not the same as you guys!" She snatched a rock from the forest floor and threw it up at him. Bertholdt deftly avoided it and knelt down, watching her. "Why are you here?" she asked miserably.

He reached out and touched her shoulder. "I wanted to make sure that Reiner didn't hurt you," he said. He seemed to be waiting for her to shrug hum off. When she didn't, he pulled her up into his arms. "I didn't know if he could control himself." Sasha said nothing, feeling him stroking her back. "Something's wrong with him…he's losing touch with reality."

"It depends on whose reality you're judging him against," she whispered. She knew that she should get away, but his body was so warm, and the woods around them were so dark. It seemed like there was nowhere else in the world. She paused a moment, listening to the wind in the leaves. "I guess I should thank you."

"You have _nothing_ to thank me for."

"Shut up, you big stupid ass," she said, leaning her cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "I want to thank you, because if you hadn't wanted me alive, I wouldn't be here."

His arms tightened around her. "Sasha…"

"I'm not done yet," she continued. "I also want to thank you because…because if it hadn't been for you, I never would have known what it was like before Reiner did that to me." She swallowed. "I'm glad for that. Thank you."

"You shouldn't be thanking me, Sasha," he muttered. "You should hate me. If it wasn't for me, you would never even have had to join to survey corps."

"I don't hate you, though," she said. "Don't misunderstand me—I hate what you did. I hate what you are. But I couldn't hate you. You're not an evil person. I don't think you are, anyway." Somewhere in the distance, and owl hooted. How long would it take for the squad to realize that she wasn't there? She pushed his arms off and stood up, picking up her bow and arrows. "I have to go back. 'Be seeing you."

She was nearly gone when she heard him whisper, "Come with me."

"What?" Sasha froze, looking back at him with wide eyes. "What did you say?"

"Come with me," Bertholdt repeated, standing up and taking her hand. "I'll take you with me to my hometown. You would be happy there—the people are nice, and there's forest for you to hunt in. You could get away from all if this."

"You're kidding," she said in disbelief.

He shook his head. "It might be tough, but I—well, I'll be a hero there, Sasha. I'm sure I could figure everything out. You could live a comfortable life."  
She looked up at him, remembering all of her friends that had died. How close she had been to being one of them. "To get away from all this…" It was almost a dream. To go somewhere where she wasn't constantly in danger of losing her life, where she didn't have to live with the fact that every time the Survey Corps went on a mission, her friends were likely to die.

To escape.

_But he's the reason it's like this._

"You know I can't go with you," she said, starting to pull her hand gently away.

"You can, though," his fingers tightened around hers and he pulled her into himself. "It would be fine! You're only saying that because—"

"Bertholdt." She paused, then reached up and touched his face, pulling his head down so that she could press her lips against his forehead. "I can't."

"Sasha, I—"

She kissed him again, this time on his lips. He stiffened in surprise, then relaxed into her, holding her tighter, pressing her body onto his. She softly pushed her tongue between his lips. She wanted the closeness that could only be found when their bodies overlapped, when the lines between them blurred. All this because, Sasha knew, it would be the last time she could ever see him as anything more than her enemy.

Bertholdt's hands wandered down her back.

She broke away. "We're on different sides of this mess," she said, stepping back, letting his arms fall away from her. "Whether or not I like it, a part of you is responsible for all of the people I loved that have died. And when I die, it's going to be you that killed me too. That's why I can't go with you." She looked up at him, the green of his eyes tugging at her heart.

_Fuck it,_ she thought. _Fuck this world, for making everyone hurt like this._

Sasha turned her back to him and walked away. "Goodbye, Bertholdt."


	16. Blood on Her Hands

****Author's note: ****I want to thank you guys for the billionth time for how great you have been. I'm not gonna lie, I never expected the community here at FF to be so welcoming and I'm wicked surprised at how kind all of you are. Thank you all very much!**

**Also, if you maybe wanted some more explicit Eren/Sasha then you should go check out my new one-shot, _Lost in the Cold_, which I just put up. YAY porn!****

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By the time she made it back to the barracks, nearly everyone else was asleep. Good. She didn't want to talk to them.

Sasha snuck through the corridors, rubbing her eyes tiredly. She didn't know how long she had been gone, but it must be nearly midnight. Her door was a welcome sight. The handle gleamed comfortingly as she reached out to it.

"Sasha?"

She jumped in her skin, spinning around to see Historia standing behind her with a candle throwing orange patterns over her tired face. She was wearing a nightgown and held a pillow in her arms. For a second, she just stared at the smaller girl, forgetting about the bloody arrows she held. "Hi, Chr—Historia. Hey. Shouldn't you be in bed already?"

"I just got up to—what are those?" her friend asked in a shocked whisper, staring at them. "Is that blood?!"

"No," Sasha said far too quickly, hiding them behind her back. "I was…I was just sneaking out to look at the stars," she lied. "It's a great night."

"I guess," the blonde girl said suspiciously, her eyes locked on the red arrowheads. "Okay. Yeah. G'night."

As she turned away, though, Sasha said, "Wait."

Historia looked back over her shoulder. "Are you happy?" Sasha asked quietly.

"What?"

"Are you happy, Historia? Are you glad that Ymir didn't catch you back then?"

The little girl paused, her blue eyes wavering in the candle light. God, Sasha wished she was that pretty. "Yeah, I am," Historia said finally, smiling sleepily at her. "I miss Ymir, but you guys are my friends, and you're all fighting to save the people you care about. You're great, really. Better than I ever could be. I wouldn't want to leave you guys for anything."

"Good," Sasha said, closing her eyes. The turned away, starting to walk back to her room. "Good. Thank you."

"Thank you?" Historia repeated, confused. "What are you talking about? I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you! It should be the other way around."

Sasha paused for a moment, smiling back at her comrade. "No, I'm really grateful to you. I just wanted to know if it was somehow worth it."

"Wait, Sasha…"

She waved to her over her shoulder. "I'll see you in the morning, Historia."

Before Historia could say anything else, Sasha slipped through her door and shut it tightly behind her. Her back slipped over the smooth wood as she slid down, sitting hunched over the bloody arrows, holding her head in her hands. _Why didn't I kill him?_ she asked herself. _I had him there and I let him go! What the hell is wrong with me?!_

She grit her teeth, watching the blood slowly drying on the wooden shafts, knowing it would stain and warp them. _Why didn't I kill both of them?_

_Why did I kiss him?_

There was a knock on her door, the wood vibrating against her back. She jumped to her feet, quickly hiding her bow and quiver in their case under her bed and opening the door.

"Hey, Sasha. Can I come in?"

"Jean…" She didn't know who she had been expecting, but it wasn't him. She looked into the room behind her. Her room. It was pretty empty, and there was nothing there that made it any different from the others', but it was hers she had never let anyone in before. "I guess," she said uncertainly, stepping back. "Why?"

"Historia said you were acting weird, and everyone else was asleep so she got me." He closed the door behind him and looked down at her, his eyes catching the moonlight from her small window. "And I wanted to talk to you."  
_I don't want to talk._ "Sure. Okay."

"Why've you got blood on your hands, Sasha?"

She snapped her arms behind her back. "I don't know what you're talking about," She lied quickly, but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her closer to him. Reiner's blood glistened in the dim light as he held her hand up between them. "It's nothing," Sasha said quietly, unable to meet his eyes. "Don't worry about it."  
"How am I supposed to not worry about it?" He demanded, his hand tightening around hers. Sasha winced. He always held her too hard, Jean. She didn't quite pull it back.

"Sorry," he muttered, reluctantly letting go. "It's just that I can't figure you out, you know? And I hate it." He looked down at her, his gaze heavy. "I know that something's wrong, but I don't know how to help you. And I want to. I want you to be happy."

Sasha bit her lip and turned away, walking over to her bed and sitting on the covers. She pulled her knees up to her chin. "You don't have to worry about me, Jean. I can take care of myself."

"Maybe I can't help it," He said quietly, sitting down next to her. He nodded at her hands. "Whose blood is it, Sash?"

For a long moment, she was quiet. He nudged her shoulder.

"Reiner," She whispered.

"What?"  
"I said it was Reiner's."

Jean froze. She looked over and found him staring white-faced at her red fingers. "Did you kill him?" He breathed, his voice low and grave.

Sasha shook her head, hugging her knees tighter.

"Why the hell not, Sasha?!" Jean demanded, suddenly grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her. "You got the close enough to take out one of the human race's biggest enemies and you—?!"

"I couldn't," she whimpered, hiding her face in her arms.

"Why not?"

"Because he was our friend! Both of them were! And I couldn't…couldn't…" Sasha felt hot tears spilling down her cheeks. "I don't know why any of this is happening," She wept. "How could they do something so fucked up? How could they just…just sit with us every day, sleep in the same rooms as us, and not change their minds? Weren't they our friends?"

"I don't know, Sasha," he muttered.

"I don't want to die," she sobbed. "But even worse is knowing that the ones responsible for my death knew me. They _knew_ me. And they still did it. They saw me and got to know me and they were fucking friends with me and they decided that I still wasn't worth saving." She covered her eyes with her hands. "And I still couldn't kill them. Even when they deserved it."

"Hey, don't cry," he said, putting his arm around her shoulders. "Come on. You're not going to die." When she didn't stop, he sighed.

"Come 'ere," Jean muttered. He pulled her into his lap and hugged her, holding her as her shoulders shook. "Please don't cry," he said, pulling her into his warmth. She balled up his shirt in her fists and cried into his chest.  
"I don't want you guys to die," she whispered, trying to keep her voice form cracking. "I'm so sick of watching everyone get hurt and die. I just want us all to be okay."  
"Shh, Sasha," he murmured, stroking her hair slowly. "Give us a little credit. We all made it this far, didn't we? Nah, girl. We're all going to be around until we're all old and complaining about gray hair and getting fat. You don't have to worry about us."  
"But the titans—"

"Don't worry about the titans either. Don't even think about them."

"But—"

"I'm not going to let them hurt you." He rested his chin on her head, holding her until she stopped shivering. "There you go," Jean said gently, pulling back and giving her a small smile.

Sasha looked up at his face. "Jean…" She didn't know what to say. "Why don't…don't you hate me now?"

He chuckled quietly. "Why would I hate you? Don't be stupid, dumbass."  
"But…" Sasha looked down. "I slept with Eren," she whispered. She had to. She knew that he had seen them together.

His jaw tightened. "I know," he said. "I mean, I guessed. It doesn't mean I want to see you suffer." He shrugged, though it seemed forced. "You can do whatever you want. I don't mind at all."

He was lying. She could tell. "But aren't you mad?"

"You're allowed to do whatever you want," he repeated with a sigh. Then he looked up and smiled at her again. "You look tired," he said. "It's late and you've had a hell of a day. You want to go to sleep, don't you?"

Without waiting for her answer, he stood up and almost pushed Sasha down on her bed.

"Jean…" she started.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Sasha." He turned to leave.  
"Jean, wait." She reached out and grabbed his hand. He turned back to her, his eyes wide.

"Don't leave," she said quietly, looking up at him.  
He started to shake his head. "Sasha, I don't think…"

"Please?"

For a moment, she thought he would walk away. His eyes wandered from her hand to the door and back again. He was thinking of walking away. "I could go wake up Eren," he offered, "Wouldn't he be better, for this?"

"Please" she repeated a whisper.

Jean groaned. "Fine," he grumbled. "Move over."  
Sasha smiled and held her covers open so that he could climb in. Jean hesitated a second before putting his arm around her waist and pulling her back into the curve of his body. She inhaled a deep breath and settled into the warmth of his body and the blankets.

"Thanks, Jean," she muttered.

"Don't worry about it, Sash." His nose touched the back of her neck. Her stomach fluttered. "I've always got your back."

* * *

****Update: At this point, I'm going to officially say that this story is going on hiatus for an indeterminate amount of time. I'm sorry! I've been getting caught up in a lot of other work and just don't have time any more. I'll finish...eventually. Probably within the next few months****


	17. Before Dawn

****Author's Note: Change of plans! But I think you guys will enjoy this particular change. "But it's the same-" ****_Si._ "Then-" _Just read the chapter. _Trigger warning for mild violence and blood****

He was gone when she woke up.

"Jean?" Sasha muttered, still half asleep, reaching behind her and searching the empty space in the bed for his body. She rolled over and found nothing but her blankets. With a sigh, she sat up, resting her head in her hands for a moment before she stood up and stretched.

The sun hadn't yet risen, and the horizon outside her window was just beginning to turn grey with daylight. It must have been four, five in the morning. Even Levi wouldn't be up yet.

She smiled to herself and opened the door. There was probably no one in the kitchen either, and it was never a bad time for a snack.

She was halfway down the hall when she heard a loud _thump_ and a muffled shout from one of the rooms to her left. Sasha jumped._ What the hell was that?_ She wondered cautiously, creeping towards the door. Really, she should have run. She was going to get caught, and the cadets weren't allowed to leave the barracks before dawn. It might have been Levi in there. Or worse, it might be someone who would actually punish her.

She glanced to the number on the door.

_Aw, fuck._ Eren's room.

Sasha paused for a second. She shouldn't. She really shouldn't. It was none of her business.

_Nah._ She pressed her cheek to the cool wood of the door and listened.

"You piece of shit! What was that for?!"

"You know what the fuck it was for, asshole!"

"Fucking _enlighten _me."

_Eren._ She held her breath, trying to catch the other voice.

"Because you fucked the girl that I'm in love with and I'm pissed off!"

_Jean_. Sasha's heart thumped. _Are…are they fighting about me?_

"Well I'm _sorry_ I didn't look out for your _delicate feelings,"_ Eren spat, and Sasha could hear him land a hard punch.

Jean stumbled, but she didn't hear him fall. "God damn it, Eren!"

"What do you want me to do, huh? She's mine!"

"You can't just claim a person like that!"

"But that's exactly what you're trying to do!" Eren shouted. She could hear their feet scuffling on the stone floor as they fought. Eren must have landed another punch, for Sasha heard Jean bark a swear and hit him back hard enough to fill the air with a sickening _thud._ She winced.

"You can't just wake me up and god-knows-what-fucking-time-it-is to tell me that I should back off of Sasha because you've got a little crush on her! How does that not sound like claiming a person to you? She chose _me_."

"You're so fucking—!" Jean grunted and suddenly Sasha felt Eren's weight slam into the door. She screamed and fell back as the impact threw her off-balance. "She never chose anyone!"

Sasha leapt to her feet. "Damn it!" She shouted, throwing open the door. "Stop fighting!"

For a moment, it was like the world inside the room had frozen.

"Oh," Jean whispered blankly. "Shit."

"Damn," Eren muttered, leaning heavily on the wall next to the door. "You were listening at the goddamn door, weren't you?"

Sasha stood in the doorway, taking in Eren's bruised face and the scrapes on his arms, Jean's bloody nose and scratched cheek. He looked unsteady. He wobbled as he stepped towards her.

_Is he okay?_

"Sasha, why were you outside?" Eren said, drawing her attention to him. He was—_Fuck, he's missing a goddamn tooth._ She realized, trying not to cringe at the sight of the bloody hole in his mouth.

"I…uh…" she didn't know what to say. Both of them were beat up badly. They must have been going at each other for a long time before she'd even gotten there. "Guys, what the hell?" she asked quietly.

Eren nodded towards Jean. "He started it," he said bluntly.

The light-haired boy turned away, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. He had a gash on his forehead, and blood was running thickly down his skin, dripping into his eye and turning it red. He was much too white in the face. Sasha thought he was going to fall over.

"I had a good reason," he grumbled. Looking down, he tried to move around her to get out the door. "Whatever. I'll get lost."  
"Like hell you will," she said, grabbing his shoulder and pushing him back until he slumped backwards on Eren's bed. "You look like you're going to pass out. Sit down."

"I'm fine," he protested, but Sasha ignored him. "Eren," she called over her shoulder. "There's a case of brandy in the supply closet next to the kitchen. It should be in the corner. Go find me a bottle and bring it here with a towel."

Jean groaned, trying to stand up. "Fuck, Sasha. I don't want…"

She pushed him back down. "Shut up, you dumbass. It's for those cuts. If I don't clean them out you'll get an infection."

She glanced back at Eren. It was obvious that he didn't want to leave her alone with the other boy. "Please?" She mouthed. He sighed.

As he turned and walked out the door, though, he gently traced a lone across her shoulders, like a signature, a mark. _Mine._

Jean shot him a hard glare.

"Stop it," Sasha said as Eren quietly closed the door behind him. "We're supposed to be fighting for all mankind and you can't get over fighting with each other? We're not twelve anymore, Jean."

He exhaled heavily, hanging his head. "I know, it's just…Hey, how much did you hear, Sasha?"

"A bunch."

"Did you hear…"

"Hear that you were in love with me?" She nodded, blushing slightly as she knelt down in front of him gently took his chin in her hand. "Heard that."

As she turned his head to the side, he cast her a sideways stare. "Aren't you going to say anything?"

"I don't know what to say," she said quietly, looking at her feet. "I…well, I've never had to respond to that before."

Jean's eyes widened. "Sasha, I—"

Just then, Eren tapped on the doorframe, breathing heavily. _Did he run?_ Sasha wondered, knowing that it should have taken him twice as long. He flopped down on the floor next to her and handed over a white cloth and dusty glass bottle.

"You're going to get your ass kicked if Corporal Levi finds you with that," he said, nudging her shoulder. He seemed to be touching her at every possible opportunity, and Jean was noticing. The blonde boy's nostrils flared.

"Hey, man, I'm sorry for fighting," Eren said almost smugly, looking up at Jean. "You look like crap."

"Shut up," Jean snapped as Sasha poured some of the alcohol onto the towel and stood up, gently tilting his head to get a better angle on his scrape.

"Calm down and take a swig," she commanded, pressing the cool bottle into his hand, "and find something to bite into, if you can. This is going to sting like a bitch." She waited until he had downed a mouthful of the drink, wincing at the burn, and looked up at her. "Sorry about this," she whispered, then pressed the wet cloth into the cut on his forehead.

Jean turned and bit into the collar of his shirt, muffling a shout of pain. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," She repeated nervously, not wanting to hurt him. _At least the cut isn't deep,_ she thought to herself, wiping most of the blood away. She sighed, relieved, and smiled weakly at the two of them. "It's a hell of a bleeder, but you didn't even come close to killing each other."

She touched Jean's jaw and moved on to the cut on his cheek. As she did, though, she felt something moving up the inside of her leg.

Looking down, she saw Eren staring up at her, his hand drawing circles in the skin just above her knee. He smiled mischievously at her. Jean's eyes flashed towards him.

"Hey!" Sasha exclaimed in surprise as Jean's strong arms wrapped around her waist. "What are you—?"

Suddenly Eren jumped to his feet, reaching around her from behind and pulling her back into himself, away from the other boy. She could feel the heat radiating from his body as he dragged his lips over her neck. He slowly ran his hands up her stomach, smiling against her skin as Jean's face got redder and redder, as he got closer and closer to her breasts.

"H-hey…" Sasha started, feeling blood rushing to her face…and somewhere else.

Jean pushed himself off of Eren's bed, his amber eyes furious. Before she had time to think he was kissing her hard, holding her face in his hands.

_What's happening?_

Eren bit her earlobe and cupped her breasts, squeezing them slightly as if to remind her that he was still there. Sasha moaned into Jean's lips, and Eren smiled proudly against her flesh.

She needed time to think, but they were too much, their bodies pressing into hers at all angles. _What's happening?_ she asked herself again. _What are they doing?_ But it was like her brain was shutting down. She couldn't think for more than a second before—"Ahh," she moaned, feeling Eren's thumb circling her nipple through her shirt.

Jean's hands slipped down from her face, over her shoulders and down her torso to rest on her hips. He pulled her into his body, his tongue entering her mouth.

Eren made a sound scarily similar to a growl. He pushed Jean's hands off of her and spun her around, his lips slamming into hers. He tasted like blood. The bruises the fight had left on his body steamed as they healed, and the heat clouded her mind. She reached up and tangled her fingers into his messy black hair, pulling him down so that he could kiss her more deeply.

But Jean was not to be outdone. He lifted up her shirt from behind and ran his rough hands down her smooth belly before slowly sliding them past the belt of her pants.

"Jean," Sasha gasped, breaking Eren's kiss. His fingers slid closer, closer…her eyes fluttered closed.

_I ran away the last time he did this._

She leaned heavily onto Eren as her legs went weak. She couldn't have run now, even if she did want to.

Eren finished the job Jean had started, unbuttoning her shirt and pulling it over her head. He threw his own off and pushed his body into her, his hard abs pressing against her stomach. He put his arms around her waist and leaned down, kissing the soft skin of her chest. She moaned

Jean suddenly thrust two fingers into her, making Sasha bite her lips to keep herself from yelling out.

"God, Sasha," he muttered, the tip of his nose touching her ponytail, his breath rushing in her ear. "You're so wet already."

_It's because you two…you're…_

"Not by any work of yours," Eren said, glaring up at Jean. He kissed a red mark her had left on her breast and looked up at her. "You can always tell this asshole to get lost, Sasha." He worked his way back to her lips, pressing hot kisses into every inch of her skin. "Wouldn't you rather be alone?"

"As if," Jean growled. He reached up with his thumb and began to rub her clit. Sasha nearly screamed into Eren's lips. Her legs were shivering with pleasure; she would have fallen to the floor if they hadn't been holding her up between them. "Tell him to leave, Sasha," Jean said, stroking her until she was panting in his arms.

"Jean, I—"

"She would never do that!" Eren hissed.

"Guys—" Sasha started.

"Why would she pick you anyway? You're fucking insane, Eren!"

"Jean, can't we just—" but she couldn't finish. At that moment, Eren grabbed both of her breasts, rubbing her nipples with his thumbs. She gasped.

"Can't we just _what_, Sasha?" Eren whispered, biting her bottom lip, his sharp eyes making it hard to breathe. "You can't mean that you want the_ both_ of us to…" he trailed off, dragging his hands down her naked back. His hands were so hot. She was dizzy.

"Just do it," she panted, hardly able to hear herself over the pounding of her pulse in her ears. "Ju-Just…"

Jean licked her earlobe. "Just do...what?" he asked breathlessly.

Sasha couldn't take it anymore. _"Just fuck me."_

Eren's lips curled back against hers as he grinned into their kiss. She could feel him pressing against her leg, hard as a rock, straining against the thin fabric of the pants he had worn to sleep. She gasped, leaning back against Jean as he broke away from her, a thin line of saliva hanging between them before he dipped his head and began to roughly kiss her neck, moving down, down, over her breasts, her nipples, over her stomach until he was kneeling in front of her, his green eyes glowing with lust as he looked up. She could feel his breath swirling warm over the skin just above her belt. He leaned in and kissed her there, his tongue dragging languorously over her sweaty skin. She was shivering all over, her flesh jerking involuntarily as her body lost control of itself.

Jean drew his fingers out of her slick depths, holding her up against him as her knees gave out with pleasure. She could see herself glistening on his skin, catching the dim light of the room. Almost without warning, he brought his hand up to his lips and licked her wetness off before her eyes. Pulling her face back to face him, he kissed her passionately, his tongue slipping into her mouth and lettering her taste herself.

Eren dragged her hands slowly up the sides of her legs, watching her all the while. Jean was stealing his spotlight. He rubbed the inside of her thighs, making Sasha's eyes roll back with pleasure, before he jerked her belt open and all but tore off the last of her clothing. The sudden coldness against her soaked pussy made her gasp.

"She really is wet," Eren muttered, and leaned in to flick his tongue over her folds.

Sasha groaned. "Eren, Jean…please…You can't keep this up."

"Oh that's right," she boy behind her chuckled. "You want something else, don't you?" Suddenly, Jean reached down, swinging her legs up and laying her down on the bed behind him. He leaned over her, stroking the inside of her thigh with one hand as he undid the buttons of his shirt with the other. Before she could react, he was on top of her, undoing his own trousers as he kissed her neck, his sweat-slick chest pressing into her breasts.

Eren brought himself to his feet and pushed Jean away, climbing onto the bed behind her head. He dragged one finger along her cheek before he smiled mischievously. "Turn over," he murmured.

Sasha pushed herself up, rolling onto her hands and knees, finding herself face-to-face with his smooth abs. It took a moment for her brain to process what he wanted. When she realized it, she smiled to herself. _I wonder what his face will look like._

Sasha leaned forward and kissed the salty skin just above his navel as he reached down and undid his pants. Behind her, Jean let his own fall to the floor, and dragged one finger down her spine, making her whimper. He reached down and spread her legs apart.

Bending down, Eren pressed his lips into her forehead. He pushed his pants out of the way and his dick sprung free, already completely erect. "You're something else, you know," he whispered.

"Are you ready for this, Sash?" Jean asked. She could feel him pressing against her entrance. Looking over her shoulder, she saw his flushed face, his light eyes watching her expectantly. He was waiting for her to let him.

"Do it," Sasha whispered, her whole body on fire. She needed him.

Jean pushed himself slowly into her, her body spreading around his hardness. "Ah!" she gasped, her fingers digging into Eren's hip as she tried to support herself. She dark haired boy smiled down at her, his cheeks flushed with arousal.

"I've never…" she mouthed.

"Don't worry about it," Eren replied silently, touching her cheek.

As Jean began to move, she leaned down and licked the tip of Eren's dick, tasting his salty precum as it beaded from the tip. She slowly kissed it, licking her lips and dragging them down the length of his shaft, sucking along the vein. He let his head fall back, his eyes half-lidded and his mouth hanging slightly open with pleasure.

"G-God," he breathed.

Sasha felt Jean pounding his cock into her harder, gaining speed. The friction drove her wild, winding up tension like a spring inside her with every thrust. "Jean…" she moaned, pulling back from Eren to look at the other boy. Sweat glistened on his forehead, his hair slick. He pulled her hips back into his, burying himself in her before pulling out again. She was doing all she could not to scream.

She dipped back down to lick and suck on Eren's hardness. He ran his fingers through her hair, panting as she bobbed her head up and down, her whole body rocking back and forth between then as Jean fucked her harder and harder, slamming into her most sensitive spot every time. She could hardly keep herself from collapsing on the bed.

"Ah—Sasha!" Eren gasped, suddenly digging his fingers into her scalp. She looked up at him, her nose pressed against the muscle of his belly. She slowly pulled back, dragging her lips along his length, sucking him as hard as she could. His eyes squeezed shut. "F-Fuck," he managed.

With a groan, he came, his seed pulsing into her mouth. She swallowed, liking the strange, bitter taste of it. His mouth dropped open in ecstasy. Smiling to herself, she licked him clean.

Suddenly Jean flipped her over, laying her down on her back. He panted heavily as he thrust into her pussy with everything he had. He grit his teeth, and Sasha threw her head back into Eren's lap and moaned.

Pulling himself together, Eren reached down her body and touched her throbbing clit, rubbing it in circles as Jean pounded into her. Sasha's breath caught in her throat, her mind going blank. Her back arched as she closed her eyes tight, feeling waves of pleasure rolling over her like liquid heat.

"_Shit," _Jean swore, feeling the muscles of her pussy clench around his member. "I'm…I'm close, Sasha."

Panting, she smiled, reached around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss. Jean gasped against her lips as she curled her legs around him, pulling him as deep into her as he could go. In a second she could feel his warmth blooming inside of her and sighed, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his warm body into her.

Eren slid down beside the two of them on the bed, putting an arm around Sasha and pulling her back into the curve of his torso. Tiredly, Jean rolled over and laid down on her other side, running his thumb over her cheek.

The room was silent except for their breathing. The rest of the squad wouldn't be awake for two hours, maybe more. Sasha buried her face in Jean's neck and drifted off to the soft sound of their hearts beating.

Through Eren's small window, she could hear the morning birds just beginning to sing.

* * *

****Author's Note: Yes i am proud of this. _I just really wanted to finish this three-way okay _it was very important. Also because judging from the feedback, you liked it too, ja? _Remember to leave reviews and spread the story around!_************


	18. The End

****Author's Note: **I'm gonna do this at the beginning of the chapter because I'd rather end the story with the actual end of the story, you know?

**ITS DONE ITS DONE ITS DONE HOT DAMN ITS DONE! HELLO and welcome to the final chapter of DFVS. I'll try to be quick because i know this isn't what you're here for but I want to take a second to say thank you to everyone who read, favorited, followed, and reviewed this story, that i love you all and that you've all been super kind to me. Also, ****since this is my only active work, I'll be taking requests and prompts for new stories through PM and on my tumblr ( .com).****This is the first fanfic I've ever written and I never expected this community to be so supportive and accepting. Please enjoy this final chapter of DFVS and know that it is most certainly not going to be my last. **

**Thank you all very much and with tons of love, **

**_FinalBraus**_**

* * *

Brilliant yellow sunlight cut straight through the small window. hitting the three of them as they laid curled together on Eren's bed. Sasha yawned as the bright light pulled her out of her dreams, smiling tiredly, the warmth of the boys' bodies like a blanket in the cool summer morning. They were both asleep, Eren's arm still draped lazily over her waist, Jean's hand holding her face against his shoulder even as he slept.

It was a beautiful feeling, being able to rest there between the two of them, knowing that there wasn't a titan for miles around. Of course, she knew, they would wake up and start fighting with each other again soon enough, but just then, everything seemed alright. It was tranquil, peaceful, like when she had been alone in the canopy of the Forest of Giant Trees. She sighed, inhaling the smell of them.

"Just what the _fuck_ do you little shits think you're doing?"

Eren and Jean's eyes flew open, both of them staring slack-jawed at the doorway. Levi stood leaning on the door frame, his icy blue eyes staring straight at Sasha.

_How long has he been there?!_

With a cry of embarrassment, she snapped her arms across her bare chest, scrambling onto Jean's other side to try to hide her nakedness. She peeked at the corporal over the blonde boy's shoulder. He had never looked so terrifying.

Levi was still as a statue, his hard gaze making them squirm. _"I asked you a fucking question,"_ he growled.

Eren looked down at his bare body, fumbling with his sheets as he tried to cover himself. "We were…uh…"

"You know what? Never mind. I could give shit." Sasha inched farther behind Jean as he stared down the two boys. She had been on his squad for months, and she had never seen him so angry.

"You," he spat, pointing at Eren, "Are going to be cleaning the stables all day today. No meals. No fucking water. And _I_ am going to tell you when you're done."

Eren's face paled. He gulped. "Sir, what about train—"

"I don't give a fuck about your training. Obviously you need a different kind of _discipline_." He turned his iron eyes on Jean. "You," he barked, "Are going to be doing the laundry for the entire squad for the rest of your miserable goddamn life."

Jean looked down. "Yessir."

"And _you."_ Sasha peeked out from behind Jean's shoulder and found Levi staring at her. He pointed at her. _"You _are coming with _me."_

Her stomach dropped. She could feel both of the boys turn their eyes toward her.

For a moment, Sasha didn't move.

"_Braus."_

She gulped, picking up her shirt from the floor and meekly approaching Levi. He turned and marched off down the hall, his face a steely mask.

As she disappeared, Jean turned to Eren, wide-eyed. "What the hell's he going to do to her?" He asked in a terrified whisper.

_._

Levi lead Sasha wordlessly through the dark halls and corridors, walking to swiftly that she had to run after him just to keep up. He paused in front of his office, turning his iron eyes back to her. Sasha's blood froze in her veins.

"Go inside," he commanded, holding the door open. The room inside was dark as pitch, opening like the mouth of hell.

Sasha stepped back. "Sir, I don't—"

"That was not a request, _Braus_."

She gulped. As soon as she stepped over the threshold, he pulled the door shut and locked it behind them. Sasha spun around, staring at him. "Why'd you do that?" she asked nervously.

Levi ignored her question. "You know, I would never have pegged you for the type to take two men at once." Sasha yelped as he grabbed her by the shoulders and slammed her back into the wall. "Then again," he continued, his voice sharp as a razor "I suppose that if you're going to act like a slut in _my_ barracks and break just about every rule the Survey Corps has about minor officers, then you might as well go big or go home, right?"

"Slut?" Sasha repeated in a whisper. Suddenly, she felt anger boiling up from deep within her core. Her hands curled into fists. "How _dare _you call me that after everything that's happened?!" she demanded. "I gave up everything I had for the Survey Corps and you call me _that_, of all things! You son of a bitch!""

His hands tightened around her shoulders, his fingers digging into her flesh. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I hit a fucking nerve? Welcome to the _goddamn _military, Braus. No one is going to baby you just because some lunatic shoved his dick inside you."

"Get your fucking hands away from me!" She yelled, grabbing Levi's wrists and throwing them off of herself. She could have kicked his face in, broken his jaw so badly he would never talk again; she was so furious that she almost didn't notice the cold knot forming in her chest. _What happened to what he said to me that night?_ "You said I was allowed to be with whoever I wanted! Or did you forget that happened at all?"

"What happened between us has absolutely nothing to do with this," he growled.

"Then why aren't Jean and Eren here, huh? Why am I the only one you wanted to see alone?"

He said nothing, working his jaw.

"Why the hell are you acting so jealous?" Sasha snapped. "I don't belong to you, Levi."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth she regretted them. Levi's eyes turned glassy, no longer looking at her but through her. He stepped away, turning his back to her. "You're right. Fine. You being with them pissed me off. You're right. I was out of line." He nodded towards the door, walking over to his desk without looking back at her. Sasha almost couldn't believe it was the same man who had just shoved her against a wall. "You can go. You're dismissed."

"Sir," she started.

Levi shook his head, pulling open the curtains behind his desk and letting the morning light spill in through the window there. Outside, she could see the rest of the squad walking to the stables, running laps, sparring. She wondered how many of them would notice that she wasn't there, and how long it would take them to start guessing.

He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I lost control for a moment, Braus. It won't happen again. Do what you want. You can go."

"Levi," Sasha said softly, feeling her anger fizzle out and die inside her. _Why does he look so sad? _She moved towards him. When he didn't say anything, she reached out and touched his shoulder. "Why didn't you just say something?"

"I already told you, it could never work." Levi turned towards her, his black hair catching the light. He looked away, unable to meet her eyes, and blew out a heavy breath. "You're too young for that, anyway. You would have no idea what you were getting yourself into."

She bit her lip. "I'm not that young."

"Yes, you are." Suddenly, his arm shot out and he pulled her close, burying his face in her neck and breathing her in. "It's amazing, Braus…Sasha. It's amazing how strong you have been. There are grown-ass men who couldn't have handled it. But for me...you're still too young."

She could feel him crushing her into himself, his heartbeat. Memories of that night floated through her mind and she embraced him, resting her chin on his shoulder.

"Levi," Sasha whispered. "Do…Do you…"

"Do I love you, Sasha?" He laughed quietly to himself, then drew back, taking her face in her hands and pulling her down so that he could kiss her forehead. "I'm too old for you. You deserve someone who still knows how to have fun in the middle of all this bullshit."

She shook her head. "Maybe I—"

He cut her off with another kiss, his lips touching hers for only a second. "Jean and Eren are good men. They'll treat you right. They better," he smiled bitterly, "or I'll kick the shit out of them."

"I still don't think you're too old for me," she protested.

"You're sixteen years old, Sasha. I'm twice that and then some. I'm bitter and vulgar and drink too much when no one's around to catch me. Besides," he said, stepping back and outing his strong hands on her shoulders. "You love them. I can tell. I could never make you smile the way you were this morning." The corners of his mouth turned up in a slight smile. "Go on, Braus." He squeezed her shoulders, then let her go. "You're dismissed."

Sasha nodded quietly, turning to leave. At the last moment, though, she spun back around and hugged the corporal with all of her strength. "Thank you, Levi," she said, her head buried in his shoulder.

He waited a long moment, then began gently rub her back. "I was actually looking for you this morning," he murmured, "You want to know why?" She nodded. "Truth is, when we put soldiers back on duty they have to have mental health assessment. I think it's bullshit. I never do 'em. But how 'bout it, Sasha? Do you feel crazy?"

She was silent for e moment. "Not anymore," Sasha answered, stepping back and smiling at him. "I could thank you for that too."

He watched her for a minute, then chuckled to himself. "Funny, I guess it works both ways."

"What do you mean?"

He put his arm around her waist and lead her to the door, saying nothing.

.

The land spread out before her like a rolling ocean of green, lit from above by the golden sun, the plains ringed by silver-tipped mountains. Her horse panted beneath her, throwing its head back into the wind and letting loose a high whinny as its mane flew out behind it.

The rest of the squad—of her squad—surrounded her, their sound filling up her ears. The horses, the gear, the whipping of their clothing in the air, their voices drifting across the untouched landscape…she sighed, and threw her arms out, hugging the saddle with her legs as she leaned backwards and tilted her face up to the sun.

She could feel the warm air rushing over her body, through it, carrying the sweet smell of the world outside of the walls into her bones, into the spaces between the strings of her muscles. It smelled like nature, and it tasted like freedom.

_God…_She had never felt more alive.

She couldn't help but think of Bertholdt, how he lived out in this empty place outside the walls with nothing but green land and titans. _He must be lonely,_ she thought, a bittersweet feeling rising in her chest. She splayed her fingers, reaching farther out below the endless sky and willing the whistling wind to carry the thought away. He didn't matter, none of it did. On this day, that house in the woods was less of a memory than a bad dream that she had woken up from. It was already fading away, the details vanishing from her mind. It would come back, she knew, and she would see it all before her as if she were lying on that bed again. But this day was so beautiful, it was almost possible to forget about the titans altogether.

Jean was behind her, close by. Eren was with Connie, was to her right. Levi was somewhere, but she didn't worry about him. She knew, really knew, for the first time that she had gone outside the walls, that all of them were safe in that moment.

She smiled to herself.

"Hey, Sasha?"

She turned her head to the right, seeing Historia riding alongside her with a strange look on her face. "What's wrong?" she asked curiously, sitting back up.

She shook her head, her lips pulling into a small smile. "No, it's nothing," she said, the wind blowing her hair back. "It's just…for a second there, it really looked like you had wings."


End file.
